Tsarina's Kids

Ok, folks, I need your help and I need it now! I feel like I'm playing a losing game of beat the clock with one of my kids' lives. Here's the deal:

T (I'm too tired to make up a pseudonym) is 15; he'll be 16 in Dec., and at that time, if things haven't changed, he'll quit school. He is incredibly brilliant, in fact 3 years ago, he was in the enriched programs at school. He is a 1/2 day student, so he comes for 4 classes (plus homeroom), and leaves. T has discovered drugs in a big way. I have no doubt that most days he is high, and I know (he told me in confidence) that he is dealing. Honestly, I think it's more than pot, although that is all the other teachers think. He and I have had a lot of long talks, as I've searched for ways to motivate him. Truthfully, I think that he is now addicted, because sometimes after we talk, he will come in straight for a couple of days, then seem really pissed at himself when he comes in high again. Last quarter, he had a 49% in my class, and that was his highest average- he just doesn't do anything. When he makes good choices and good use of his time, I reward him (candy is the teacher's currency, although I keep Subway coupons because some of my kids don't eat except at school). Last week, I finally just told him the truth: I've had many friends like him in my life, and all of them- ALL are now either dead or in prison. I told him I did not want to go to his funeral and would not visit him in prison. (I should note here, he has already been to court for a robbery charge). The next two days, he was strangely quiet, and even asked to visit the counselor. I was hopeful, but then he came in on Thurs. with that familiar smell about him. On Mon, I'm going to request he be moved into my homeroom, as the teacher who has him can't stand him. But, if he is failing all of his classes in Dec, he'll be gone, and the streets will win another one. Please- any advice you have is desperately needed.

Checking in

Just a quick post, then off to bed. I finally got my night guard to keep me from clenching and grinding my teeth at night!!! I woke up this morning without screaming pain in my neck for the first time in years~the best part is that my dentist is charging me half price and letting me make payments! He is so great, when Joe left and I wasn't working steadily, he wouldn't accept a payment until I got a job! You better believe that he's getting paid back before anyone else!

We were sharing creepy stories today, and I remembered this one from my Grandmother:

When I was little, the house two miles down the road from my grandparents burned. Someone (I don't remember who) died, and the rest of the family moved away. That winter (I think around Xmas, but I could be wrong), a family was travelling in a blizzard, and their car went off the road. They saw the mailbox for the burned-out house, and walked up the lane. Of course they were upset to see the house, but sought shelter as the storm was getting worse and they had 2 or 3 kids. Inside, they found a card table, a blanket, and a space heater. They all climbed under the table, put the blanket over it to make a tent, and turned on the heater to keep warm. The next day, they could hear a snowplow coming down the road, and when they got outside, there was a cop with the driver beside their car. Someone had reported them missing, so the cop was looking for them. When they told him the story of how they survived, he just stared at them. They asked what was wrong, and he said, "the power isn't on at this house". When they insisted, he went up and checked- showing them where the power line to the house had been cut (or burned) away from the house- no electricity could get in.

Ok, gotta go find a scary story to read to homeroom tomorrow. Have a good day!

Bugs, Bitches, and Basketball

Ok, once again a perfectly beautiful Saturday has been disrupted by real life. I'm not sure if this is a problem in the rest of the country, but around here we have Japanese beetles (they look like orange lady bugs, but they bite and smell bad). Apparently a few years ago, some lunkhead in the Dept. of Agriculture decided to import a gazillion of these things to get rid of our aphids... Have you ever heard the phrase, "don't fuck with Mother Nature"? See, these things have no natural enemies here, so they CAN NOT be stopped. Every fall swarms of them invade in biblical proportions. I have spent three hours vacuuming them from all over the inside of my house. It's not even like I just go hunting for them, I mean they COVER entire walls. Now before you think it's just me and my messy house, let me assure you, this is a huge problem for everyone. I filled 2 1/2 vacuum bags with these things, and they're still coming. I am seriously considering moving out and letting the fuckers have the house. When you contact the Dept. of Ag, they have no real suggestions as to how to get rid of these things that they brought in to start with. There are baits, but why would I want to ATTRACT them to anything? There are no predators for these bastards, so they keep reproducing and every year they get worse and worse. Some people say the smell of Mulberry will keep them away, so I bought tons of those nasty candles and sprays- now I just have a STINKY bug-filled house. Here's my point, if the Dept. of Ag. brought them in, they should personally be responsible for removing them. I want the guy who signed off on the deal to personally stand in my living room with a vacuum, sucking the little things up 24/7 until the season is over.

I intended to blog about my week, but I'm going to skip a lot of it. I was planning to bitch about the negativity of many of the teachers, but what's the point? When you have a 22 year-old teacher who says, "well, I WAS going to talk to my kids about careers in science, but most of them require college". (me- "so"?) "Well, most of them won't go anyway, so why show them what they can't ever have"- how do you begin to address that? I never say to my kids, "IF you go to college", I always say "WHEN". If their teacher doesn't believe that they can do it, why should they? So, instead of sharing those stories, I'm going to tell you about one of my kids, James. James was held back last year. He has a history of fighting in school and suspensions. His mom is a crackhead, he has several younger siblings, and they all live with his elderly grandmother. At the beginning of the year, I called home to tell his grandma that he was doing a good job (I do this with a lot of kids that seem like they could go either way- it usually works). Since then, he has worked very hard in my class. He has made great strides in his school performance and his behavior problems. Three weeks ago, I asked if he was going to try out for basketball. He didn't think they'd let him because he used to be in trouble a lot. I encouraged him to try, and I talked to Bill (he's the coach). Last night, James came running into my class just as I was about to leave for the day- he made the team and wanted to tell me! I was so proud of him! Bill was standing across the hall watching and smiling- he always says, "When I get too old to give a kid another chance, put me in a pine box".

Have a beautiful weekend!

Me

I thought this was pretty accurate (although I'd like to think of myself as Academic Girl):

I am Progressive Girl Click on the picture below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

I'm going to post in a little while about my week, but responsibilities call.

More Strange Stuff

As you know, I follow a Buddhist philosophy in my life. I believe that each soul is born many times until it has learned all of the lessons it needs, then has the choice to move on or to be reborn and help guide others. Due to this continuous rebirth cycle, I believe that we meet many of the same souls time after time. This explains the immediate feeling of like or dislike we often have for people we've just met.

My first dog, Tippy (original, eh?), was as close to me as any person I've ever known. I loved him with all of my heart, and he responded by protecting me as best he could. Several times, when my mom was raging mad, Tippy would get between us, haunches up and teeth bared, growling at her. She was scared, but since Dad never saw this, he didn't believe her, and Tippy stayed.

He was a scraggly little mutt, with a brown muzzle and eyebrows, mostly black fur except for white feet and a white tip on his tail (hence the name). I got him for my 5th birthday, and he died when I was 18. As he got older and sicker, I would sometimes cry and beg him never to leave me. A few days after we buried him, I had my first dream of him. Over the years, I would often dream of him; always with a sense of relief that I'd finally found him after such a long search. In the dreams, I always had the sense that he missed me as much as I did him.

In Nov. 2000, I was in a failing relationship, depressed over that and the election of the night before (I couldn't believe that enough people had voted for him to challenge Gore). That night, I dreamed of Tippy; this time was different. Always before, my dreams of him were set in the house I grew up in. In this dream, he was standing beside my garage. I remember he didn't look the same, but I don't remember what he did look like. The next morning, as I looked out the back window, there was a yellow dog standing next to my garage, a chain dragging from his collar. He was just staring at the house, tail wagging. I went outside to shoo him off, and he ran to me. I loved him immediately. I walked him around the neighborhood, asking him where he lived, and he kept bringing me back to my house. The mailman said he was from a house a few blocks back, and was seriously neglected- usually without water or shelter. He said he'd called the Humane Society, but nothing was done. Baxter stayed. Whether he carries Tippy's spirit in him or not- I don't know. I do know that I have not once dreamed of Tippy since Baxter found me.

Halloween Stories

Since we've been on the topic of nightmares, and today at lunch we were talking about ghosts, I decided to share this story with you. I give it to you not as any proof of anything, I'm just sharing my perceptions and the effects they have had on me. Cue spooky music...

As I've mentioned, I've had terrible nightmares my whole life. When I was little, they were especially terrifying. My parents firmly believed that these, along with my many assorted fears, indicated that I was weak, and refused to coddle me. Finally, when I was 4 or 5, they told me not to come to their room in the night or they'd spank me. So, here I was, awake sometime in the depths of night, too frightened to go back to sleep, but afraid of the spanking if I woke up my parents. I stood in the dining room, silently crying and wondering what to do, when I noticed a light begin to shine (I was also terrified of the dark- still am). At first, it was about the brightness of a nightlight, but within seconds, it was like a 40 watt bulb. I stared at the old rocking chair where it was coming from, and a shape began to form. It was a young woman, in a long dress or robe. She had long dark hair, and she appeared to be rocking a baby. The only thing I can compare her to is Lily Munster- she was extremely pale, but not translucent. I was mesmerized, and stood staring for what seemed like forever. Rather than being afraid, I felt very safe and warm as I stood in her glow. I wanted to hug her and hold on for dear life. Finally, she looked up at me and smiled sadly. I heard her voice, but honestly, I didn't hear it with my ears. She looked toward my parents' door and said, "They can't help you. You have to learn to trust yourself now. I'll help as much as I can, but you've got to do it; it's important that you are ok". With that, she faded out, and was gone. I stood there, afraid and confused. Finally, I went back to bed, piling my stuffed animals on top of me to protect me through the night.

The next day, I tried to tell my parents, and they said it was just a dream. In fact, they never listened to any of the strange events that happened to my sister and I in that house. Only recently has my mom admitted that she heard the footsteps and had doors slam when she was alone, too. Dad says we're all full of shit.

New Pet

Please check out my new pet in the sidebar! I got this from Robyn (thanks). It's supposed to get to know me over time, and when you click on it, it will talk to you and tell you stuff; cool, eh? I LOVE animals, and found it exciting that I could have one in my blog, too! My own babies are acting weird lately; very clingy and needy. It's nice that they want to cuddle at night when it's cold, but I just had to bribe the 40 lb dog off my lap with a cookie, and then cuddle each cat for a few minutes.My male cat looks terrible. I know I'm going to have to have him put down one of these days, but he doesn't act like he feels bad, still purrs and eats soft food (and anything I'm eating). But, his weight has dropped from 20 lbs (yeah, I know) down to 5 in just over a year and a half. The vet just says he's getting older. He still plays and runs around a lot, though, so I'm putting it off as long as possible.

I have so much work to do- I didn't get any work done yesterday. Then I couldn't sleep- terrible panic attack. When I was finally able to sleep, I had several nightmares. I had one really nice dream, which I'll save for myself (get your minds out of the gutter, pervs)! I hate the nightmares- the doctor always told my mom I'd outgrow them...I'm still waiting. It seems like they come in groups; I'll have a lot of them for a while, then none for a while.

Strange, though, I had such a beautiful day yesterday. I had to go to town and make my house payment, so I took the dog with me. Most of the corn has been cut, so you could see for miles. The clouds were so close, it looked like you could reach up and touch them. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel really connected to the land here. I've been to other areas of the country, and some are really beautiful, but this place makes me feel complete. I love the large expanses of flat land, and the black soil.I've been to the mountains, and frankly, I feel suffocated. I've been to the desert, and while I found it lovely, I spent the whole time worried about snakes and scorpions. I did love the deep woods, and felt very safe among the trees and animals there. I know I'm rambling- nightmares scramble my thoughts, and it helps to refocus on what I love... I love my job, so I guess I should go prepare for it!

Have a great day!

Catching Up

One of the teachers at school is no longer talking to me. He was blathering on and on at me about what a great job Baby George is doing and what a fantastic leader he is. I tried to change the subject and walk away twice. I don't like to discuss politics at work because I don't think it's the time or place. Finally, when he had cornered me for the third time and ended a sentence with, "don't you agree?". I had had enough and began to tell him EXACTLY what I think of that arrogant, obtuse, smirking idiot (sorry, Jam Daddy). I expressed a disgust for the war and the lives it has cost, my horror at what he has done to the educational system, and my revulsion with the entire political system that allowed this man to rule in spite of obvious questions about the last election. I continued my tirade for a full five minutes, and ended with, "don't you agree?". He walked away, and I haven't been forced to endure him since: silence is golden!

I have no problem with anyone else's point of view, as long as it's not forced upon myself or others. My mom's entire family is EXTREMELY conservative Christian. That is their right. Many of them feel the need to send religious and political emails out frequently. I have tried being nice, and responding with, "we'll have to agree to disagree on this point", which apparently didn't get through. I am now to the point that I have blocked most of their addresses, because I don't want to waste my free time deleting the shit they send me. (I did laugh, though, when my nephew, who was sick of this, put Kerry/Edwards signs in the front yard of one aunt's house! You should have heard her hysterics when a Barak Obama banner [complete with his picture] turned up hanging from the front of her house!!) Ah, we laughed ourselves silly over that!

It really is starting to feel like fall now. I wish I had storm windows; last winter was sooo cold. I'll end up with several layers of that plastic window crap, which still ends up with frost on the inside. I'm hoping to get new windows at least in the basement next year (two are broken out completely). I love my house, but geez, everything is soooo expensive. We looked for windows at the recycling place, but I have the really old windows, and no one has them. I know when I get them done, it will be really expensive unless I let them shorten the windows, but I really love the way they loook, and the dog can rest his chin on them and see out. I had great plans for my house, but I really don't know where the money is going to come from. I guess I shouldn't complain- one of our teachers had her house burn down this week, and she had no insurance. Thank goodness she and her daughter were gone at the time.

Oh, btw, there's a serial killer working his magic around here, so if I disappear completely, come looking! Actually, 5 of the six victims were prostitutes, so I should be ok. As if being a hooker isn't a hard enough job, without these nutcases preying on them, too. I wish we'd just legalize the profession, and get them union protection- better for everyone involved.

Anyway, stay warm and relax this weekend!

Decadence

Ah, I feel very decadent this morning... I'm not at school. I have a dentist appointment later, and I'm planning on going to a "doc in the box" pretty soon. I slept for 13 hours last night, and it was wonderful! Then I had time to drink TWO cups of coffee without having to rush. I did bring some work home (of course), but nothing that will require a lot of brain power.

As we speak, the substitute is dealing with my "challenging" fourth hour class *giggle*. I did leave him/her a brownie and a thankyou note. The journal prompt I left for them makes them describe ways to make the sub's job easier with their own behavior. I subbed for so long, I try to make their jobs as easy as possible. The kids have all been bribed and threatened; tricks I normally don't employ, but there are teachers who can't get a sub because their classes are sooooo bad.

My homeroom went and played a game with the special ed class yesterday. We're having a Halloween party for them next week. I was really proud of my kids; many of them were nervous and uncomfortable, but they were patient and kind and NEVER ONCE laughed at the kids (when you're talking 13-15 year olds, that's hard to manage). So, I'm going to reward them tomorrow with candy (I know, education professors are cringing, but other teachers understand- in the world of kids, CANDY IS KING!)

I'm also very excited- I have a new winter coat! I may not have mentioned it, but I am addicted to coats and jackets. Some women buy shoes they don't need; I buy coats and jackets. To my credit, every year I donate at least two to the homeless shelter, but I still have a closet full. This one is a lovely reversible down jacket that I got for under $30.00!!! I do find these coats on sale; I'd feel too guilty paying full price. That's why I didn't get the pea coat I wanted; too much money. I once was high for weeks after finding a brand new London Fog trenchcoat with a zip-out liner at the Goodwill store for $5.00!!!! So, now I get to buy a new hat, scarf, and gloves to match the new coat... I feel so frivolous- is this how J-Lo feels?

Have a beautiful day- here, it's cool and rainy and the leaves are shining with the beautiful golds and reds of the season!

Visiting Day

My grandma doesn't know me at all any more. She used to know me because I am the only girl with brown eyes; she always loved brown eyes. Now she cries because I scare her by calling her grandma and she doesn't recognize me. Alzheimers is an evil disease, and I thank my higher power for Inanna and others who want to help.

Goodnight, Grandma

Sitting by the window
Seeing places long gone
Milky eyes, afraid and lost
A trickle of drool flows unheeded
Can you hear me?
Or do you hear the toddler that I was?

I can reach the cookie jar alone now
And I can tie a bow
I thought I knew it all
But the one thing I never learned
Was how to make you better
With a band-aid and a kiss.

Good Morning!

Oh, my gosh, could this be a more beautiful day? It's cool and clear and filled with the gorgeous golds and browns of autumn. I love fall; it's my favorite time of year. I love Halloween; it's my favorite holiday. Why Halloween? Think about it: no family get-togethers like most, no reminders that I'm still single like Valentine's, no bruises from getting pinched like St. Pat's. And top that off with CANDY, lots and lots of candy! Also, I love to be scared with movies and the haunted houses (although most are really cheesy any more because of insurance nightmares).

I just made a huge plate of biscuits and gravy, I have a steaming cup of coffee, and the view from my house is amazing; what more could I ask for?

I'm going to brag for a minute... I got a letter from a student yesterday. Let me preface this with some background on her: she is not eligible for special ed services because they label her a "slow learner" (I don't understand either), her mother was abused for many years until she took her kids and left last year. They recently moved out of the shelter and into an apartment. This is a very reserved, quiet girl who smiles a lot. Her letter said in part, "You are very special to me. It is god to have a teacher who cares about you and wants to help you. I never like science before, but i no now that it can be fun. You are the best science teacher i ever have. I never rite to a teacher before but i want you to no that you are very special to me". Let me say, I cried like a fountain! I've never gotten anything like that, and it meant so much to me. One of my main goals was to help my students learn to like science, and maybe I am making some progress in that area.

Demon Beasts

Evaluation is over- I haven't gotten the results yet, but may I just say that my 4th hour class has many members who were spawned from the bowels of Hell?! Without going into all the awful details, let me tell you that even some of my normally great kids picked that day to lose their stinking minds! To top it off, we had a fire drill in the middle of class, and they behaved less than perfectly... *sigh* I didn't have to worry about not receiving a score of excellent; I'll be lucky if I achieved "satisfactory". I'm working on a new strategy as we speak- the class is going to be divided between kids who follow directions, and therefore get to work in labs and do fun stuff, and kids who do not follow directions, and sit in their seats doing worksheets and not speaking. I'll keep you updated.

Ilia's sister is being moved to a rehab center! She's trying to speak and seems to understand what's going on around her, so that's very exciting news! Medicine is incredible, and doctors are true heroes in my book.

Have a great day!

Addiction

I have to admit something to you, and I hope you won't think less of me. I am an addict. There, I said it. If I don't get a regular fix, I get twitchy and bitchy and I can't concentrate. Sometimes I can go for a couple of days without a fix, but that freaking monkey always climbs on for another ride. It's gotten so bad, I even had to get a fix at school the other day, something I have rarely done in the past. I'm talking of course about my Internet addiction (what'd you think?).

Take today as an example. I have a lot of work to do today. I thought I'd just check my blog while I was eating breakfast, then get busy. Well, what's the point of checking just my blog; I'm curious as to what all of you are up to, so that took over an hour. Then I remembered I wanted to order some craft kits for my homeroom kids to make- we're throwing a Halloween party for the Special Ed kids and we wanted to give them gifts. So, Oriental Trading took up another 45 minutes. Since I was already online, and just got paid, I wanted to look at winter coats. I'm looking for a shorter, camel-colored pea coat (LL Bean has a great one- I have the navy, longer version). Of course, you can't just shop at one website, you have to compare. Also, you have to check the SALE page, right? Two more hours, and nothing accomplished. Finally, I realize that I haven't blogged much lately, so I try to think of something interesting to share with you... thirty minutes of blankness and blogger problems. Now, I look at the clock, and I've lost the whole morning because of my sickness. I'm thinking of going cold-turkey... tomorrow or the next day.

Another stress this week is that I have my first formal evaluation. I was hoping to be evaluated by the principal. Unfortunately, fate is mooning me, and I drew the Vice Principal. Honestly, he scares the shit out of me. He's very much an old-school disciplinarian. I imagine he longs for the days of beating our students. In case you hadn't gotten the idea, I'm a LITTLE different in my philosophies. He already told me that I will not get a score of excellent on anything! He says until you have been with a school for at least five years, you can't possibly be excellent. So, no matter what I do, my official evealuation form (which will be seen by HR and any other districts, should I go elsewhere) will say I am average or below! Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect; I know I have lots of room for improvement, but for crying out loud, keep an open fucking mind!

Ok, I'm really going this time... just one last thing to check on, and I'm getting to work! Hope you all have a great week!

Go Away!

Ok, I want you all to leave now. Go to Inanna's site, and sponsor her in the Memory Walk for Alzheimer's. As most of you know, my family has been forced to watch this disease steal my grandma's mind over the past few years, and now one of my aunts is thought to be developing it. Her doctor is running tests as we speak, but things don't look good. I worry about my own mom; she has huge memory lapses that she passes off to stress. I know I could never care for her the way she has cared for her own mother; I'm not that good of a person. This disease destroys families, and Inanna wants to help. Please, if you can spare a couple of bucks, go to her site, follow directions, and pledge them. She is donating of her time, we can donate some loose change. Thanks.