Tsarina's Kids
Ok, folks, I need your help and I need it now! I feel like I'm playing a losing game of beat the clock with one of my kids' lives. Here's the deal:
T (I'm too tired to make up a pseudonym) is 15; he'll be 16 in Dec., and at that time, if things haven't changed, he'll quit school. He is incredibly brilliant, in fact 3 years ago, he was in the enriched programs at school. He is a 1/2 day student, so he comes for 4 classes (plus homeroom), and leaves. T has discovered drugs in a big way. I have no doubt that most days he is high, and I know (he told me in confidence) that he is dealing. Honestly, I think it's more than pot, although that is all the other teachers think. He and I have had a lot of long talks, as I've searched for ways to motivate him. Truthfully, I think that he is now addicted, because sometimes after we talk, he will come in straight for a couple of days, then seem really pissed at himself when he comes in high again. Last quarter, he had a 49% in my class, and that was his highest average- he just doesn't do anything. When he makes good choices and good use of his time, I reward him (candy is the teacher's currency, although I keep Subway coupons because some of my kids don't eat except at school). Last week, I finally just told him the truth: I've had many friends like him in my life, and all of them- ALL are now either dead or in prison. I told him I did not want to go to his funeral and would not visit him in prison. (I should note here, he has already been to court for a robbery charge). The next two days, he was strangely quiet, and even asked to visit the counselor. I was hopeful, but then he came in on Thurs. with that familiar smell about him. On Mon, I'm going to request he be moved into my homeroom, as the teacher who has him can't stand him. But, if he is failing all of his classes in Dec, he'll be gone, and the streets will win another one. Please- any advice you have is desperately needed.
T (I'm too tired to make up a pseudonym) is 15; he'll be 16 in Dec., and at that time, if things haven't changed, he'll quit school. He is incredibly brilliant, in fact 3 years ago, he was in the enriched programs at school. He is a 1/2 day student, so he comes for 4 classes (plus homeroom), and leaves. T has discovered drugs in a big way. I have no doubt that most days he is high, and I know (he told me in confidence) that he is dealing. Honestly, I think it's more than pot, although that is all the other teachers think. He and I have had a lot of long talks, as I've searched for ways to motivate him. Truthfully, I think that he is now addicted, because sometimes after we talk, he will come in straight for a couple of days, then seem really pissed at himself when he comes in high again. Last quarter, he had a 49% in my class, and that was his highest average- he just doesn't do anything. When he makes good choices and good use of his time, I reward him (candy is the teacher's currency, although I keep Subway coupons because some of my kids don't eat except at school). Last week, I finally just told him the truth: I've had many friends like him in my life, and all of them- ALL are now either dead or in prison. I told him I did not want to go to his funeral and would not visit him in prison. (I should note here, he has already been to court for a robbery charge). The next two days, he was strangely quiet, and even asked to visit the counselor. I was hopeful, but then he came in on Thurs. with that familiar smell about him. On Mon, I'm going to request he be moved into my homeroom, as the teacher who has him can't stand him. But, if he is failing all of his classes in Dec, he'll be gone, and the streets will win another one. Please- any advice you have is desperately needed.
posted by Tsarina @ 11:03:00 AM
12 Comments:
At 11:44 AM,
Deb said…
I have no special skills...just an average alcoholic who managed to get my life back together. And I'm too old for this kid to listen to me. An addict is an addict...doesn't matter whether it is drink or drugs. I think he needs to talk to someone his age who has been there but made the turnaround. The thing about AA or NA (Narcotics Anonymous) is that they don't help people who don't want help. (no interventions) You could get some literature though and leave it in places he will see. Or find a half way house to visit...that might be an eye-opener. Other than that...give him lots of love without allowing him to abuse you in any way. The really smart ones are able to plainly see the terrible legacy we have left them on this earth. It's a tough road; but we need the smart ones to be strong. Good luck. I won't be home to respond to any e-mails for several hours.
At 12:01 PM,
Deb said…
P.S. Being an addict is extremely painful. The only reason addicts repeat the pain is because it is the path of least resistence. In other words, "real" life is MORE painful than the ups and downs of addiction. Find out what is so damn painful. My guess is that he hates himself for being different and "not fitting in". He can't see the forest for the trees. Wish I could give him a hug. Sorry to be an armchair psycologist...
At 12:10 PM,
Deb said…
all right...this is the last one! haha (can't get him out of my mind. I have 3 sons of my own). So I figure he doesn't respect anyone who trys to help him because he "knows" he doesn't deserve it. However, if you asked him to tutor someone else (or help anyone else in some way), his focus will shift away from himself and his self esteem will gradually improve. Nothing is going to be easy here.
At 12:12 PM,
Tsarina said…
Deb, thanks for the advice- "armchair" or not, I need help and experience speaks louder than anything.
At 9:27 PM,
Derek said…
hmm.. i know many kids that get high every day.. but still manage to pass.. not gracefully.. but do..
there must be some sort of thing these ones are doing that T isnt.
confession time.. i pull off easily an 86-88 average (with some marks exceding 95% in classes like math) yet ive had my problems with drinking, and a run in with drugs for a bit..
a balence can be achieved. my guess.. hes got some socail problems.. best guess is parents.. next one is school. School can really blow sometimes.. its a depressing place. Seeing kids walking around denying themselves, kids getting harassed, kids high hiding from reality..
thats the thing right there... we did i drink? to escape reality.. everything was peaceful and made sense when i was doing it.. i didnt care... its clearly and escape.. you need to find what he wants to escape from.. you need to show him that he needs school to perminatley escape.. to get out of that city, get away..
these types of kids are either very open to new adult figure, or very closed. They are either desperately looking for some one to replace their parents role, or have shut them selves out from them.
really, i think he needs some one.. whether you can fulfil that, i dont know.. but just knowing that someones there and does care might help..
as for him dropping out.. you just gotta show him its a horrible idea.. and that if he does.. he loses.. it wont solve any problems.. he wont get away from his problems.. he'll just be creating a greater world of pain for himselve
as for your hunch of it being more then weed.. most likely. I wouldnt be surprised if hes doing mush (magic mushrooms) e (estacy) or maybe even lsd or acid.. all of those are present at schools.
At 5:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
I have a little experience in this field. Anyway, here's what I think: Any kind of "tough love" attitude will obtain for you nothing but resistance. I think the kid is bored with his life, so show him another one. Tell him how he'd rock the campus of Sarah Lawrence or NYU, give him some course catalogues and show him how a little hard work and ingenuity could get him there. Open up his world a little so he won't toss away that big brain shuffling among the minions with a bunch of loser drug addicts.
"I'm to tired to make up a pseudonym", that's so damn funny. And such a cry for help.
Todd Vodka
http://www.blithelywego.blogspot.com/
At 5:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, and one more thing: the kid has definitely been abused in one way or another. Dollars to doughnuts on that one.
Todd Vodka
http://www.blithelywego.blogspot.com/
At 9:01 AM,
Tsarina said…
Derek- I'm going to spare you the lecture, because I believe you have a community of loving, supportive people around you to help guide you. T doesn't have that; he has a single mother who works 50+ hours a week just to put food on their table and keep the power on 3 weeks of the month. Besides that, I have never made a secret of my own penchant for chemical happiness (in the past). Truthfully, I think that in addition to pot, he's using heroin or oxy- his behavior is more along the lines of that than anything else. Thanks for your input.
Todd- Just last night I was thinking about him (because I have no life of my own), and I drew the same conclusion about abuse. His behaviors really indicate that he was probably sexually abused by a man (he has big problems with male authority figures).
Everyone- keep the suggestions coming... As I mentioned, I've had friends like him who are now gone, and I feel like I owe it to them to try and help him avoid the same fate. Thanks for your concern for my kids!
At 12:52 PM,
Ange said…
Tsarina---
Oh where to start.... First of all it sounds like this boy has an idea in his head that money will buy him happiness, hence the dealing.
Well, oftentimes those high school dealers also use, to show their product is safe and whatnot and also to fit in with the only crowd that he feels accepted in. Its easier to get stoned and go thru the day on autopilot than it is to actually care about anything or anyone.
Sounds like he is crying out in the only way he feels comfortable.
As for his potential genius abilities---maybe school just is NOT challenging enough. He is bored and that has lead him down this path. Perhaps you could dig out one of your college level texts and have him find something in it that interests him or that he finds challenging. Show him that there are other options.
But I do think some form of abuse comes into play at some point in the last 3 years. It may have come from a man, but I wouldn't rule out neglect either. It's hard to "diagnose" as I only work with juvenile delinquents that are placed in my facility to work off their community service or to try and scare them straight. (And I'm not a psychologist!!)
Unfortunately, we have a lot of repeat offenders. They do something to get into trouble so that they can get sent to "The Ranch" where they feel safe and secure and they are not able to hurt themselves or others. Our facility is non-secure, so they can leave and go on run if they so choose. But it is a choice.
I'm not sure if where you live has Post Secondary Educational Opportunities or not. But here in MN, high school students can start taking college level courses if they are done with all the requirements. The state pays for those courses. Or maybe check into getting him an opportunity to audit a class at the local community college or something. Anything that will show him there is a way out, other than dealing and using.
It sounds like he is masking his pain. He is hanging out with the druggies because they "understand" and are non-judgmental, blah, blah, blah. Been there. Done that. It is often times easier to fit in with the misfits than it is to try and make inroads where you don't feel you belong.
Let him know that none of us have it all figured out. That each day is a learning experience. Get him some information. Allow him to confide in you and if what he tells you is above and beyond what YOU can handle (cuz your health and sanity are just as important, if not more-so) let him know that you will help him find help and that you won't desert him.
Good luck.
At 9:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
I don't want to use my name, but I had a drinking and drug problem when I was in high school and college. I don't want to say that I was addicted, because I don't think I have the gene that would cause one to become addicted, but I don't know. I'll tell you what snapped me out of it was a friend who was a former heroin addict. He had taken every drug known to man, and his hands shook constantly. He never encouraged anyone not to do drugs. His attitude was basically, "If you can look at me and still do the shit you're doing, you're retarded and I'm not going to bother with you because I have my own shit to deal with." I don't think this is necessarily helpful, but it kind of goes to the mentality of someone who is in recovery, and means to stay there.
At 8:16 PM,
Tsarina said…
Ange & Anon- Thanks for your insights. It's been a tough week (he's suspended again- not really his fault, but I'll post more about that at another time). I talked to him & to his mom, he's making up missed work for me!!! I told him I'd requested him to be in my homeroom, and it seemed to please him. I ok'd it with my administration to create an independent study for him, since he's older than the other kids and bored shitless. He seems excited about this, so keep your fingers crossed.
At 8:42 PM,
Traci Dolan said…
Tsarina, hope I'm not too late. You are a Goddess. I agree with most of what everyone has said - abuse, brilliance, misfit...oh my gosh who does that remind me of???
It sounds like you are on the right path to showing him there is more out there. And I do believe that him helping another student would be a good move. However, he probably needs counseling in addition to all of this. I have no suggestions there. I will pray for you both.
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