Tsarina Leaves the House

I'm going to Chicago!!

I'm doing laundry and packing as we speak, but I wanted to share my news. My friend, Diana, moved up there this year, and two other friends are living nearby. Like the dorks that we are, we've decided to have a Murder Mystery Dinner Party...I'm soooooooo excited!!!!!

Ok, got a million things to do- I've gotta get Baxter settled at his grandparents' house (I'm not crazy about him staying there, but I guess that if Cruella leaves Amy there, he should be ok.

Love you all- have a great New Year!!!!!

The Soul of Tsarina

Thanks, Robyn... I found this very interesting, and pretty accurate (and also a lot more interesting than cleaning my house).

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Seeking Single Tsar...

Ok, that last piece was just too damn negative-- I do not want to focus on that. My family sucks, let's move on.

I will be unable to go to Chicago for the weekend and see some friends, as I can't find anyone willing to watch Baxter. Bill said he could put him IN THE BARN!!!! I tried to explain that you have to let him sleep on the bed with you, and when he has bad dreams, gently rub his tummy and tell him it's ok. Bill looked at me like I had just sprouted a second head! My friend who usually watches him is very pregnant, with a 1 1/2 year old, so I didn't want to ask. Oh, well, to be honest, I hate New Year's Eve. I've never had a good time...ever. My ex would usually get drunk (even when we stayed home alone), and when he was drunk, he thought he was some sort of philosopher...blah!

*Attention: the following piece contains adult euphemisms and innuendos... if that embarasses you, take the post out of your ass, then slide it back in, then take it out, then slide it back in...

However, I have begun to notice something disturbing: Her Highness is growing...um, restless... In other words, I NEED A FREAKING MAN!! When I was younger, I never had a problem getting laid- all I had to do was say, "Hi", and there were three cute men right there. I'm not asking for perfection, in fact, perfect men make me nervous. I have compiled a short list of what I'm looking for- I don't think these are too much to ask...

1. I'm short, and don't often wear heels, so between 5'7"-5'10" is perfect.
2. My body is not perfect, I don't expect yours to be either, but if your belly hangs out under your t-shirt (which is past your hips), please do not expect to have sex with me.
3. Bathe frequently, but DO NOT drift into the "high maintence" category
4. Have something intelligent to say- while I am not really looking for a lifetime commitment, I do like to have a conversation now and then-- dumb guys really turn me off
5. I honestly don't care what your job is, so long as you take pride in doing it well
6. Compassion for others is a must- if you don't have it, you're not going to get it.
7. SENSE OF HUMOR- 'nuff said
8. How can I put this delicately-- pigment is a plus. The paler you are, the more personality you need to have for me to be attracted to you.
9. Be prepared to take the oral exam if you plan to receive it in return.
10. Do not be cheap with your money, your time, or your manly talents.

Ok, that's all I can think of right now-I'm sure I have other standards, but right now, I can't think of much besides- "breathing, and has a penis"... Have a good night everyone!

F*&^ing Family

I talked to my mom last night, which is usually a mistake if I'm already a little depressed. Sometimes I look at my parents and wonder what great genetic fuck-up created me? Sure, I look like Dad, but the person that I am could not be more alien to the people that they are.

My parents HATE each other. They've been married over 40 years, because neither wants to give up half the stuff (it's ok to say "WHAT STUFF" here, I do that a lot). They say some of the meanest, nastiest things about each other, often right in front of each other. Even though I know my dad is a horrible human being, I don't really want my mom telling me about all of the terrible stuff he does...I've told her this. She always takes on that childish, self-pitying tone and says, "well, I'm sorry; I guess I can't do anything right". Emotionally, my mother is about twelve years old- everything that happens is directly aimed at her. She is the central fixture in the universe, and if she's happy, then everyone else should be too. I may have mentioned that she spent most of my childhood sitting and staring at a television. I'm assuming she was suffering from severe depression, but I will never know for sure, because only crazy people see psychiatrists. I have often wondered if her depression started when she was a young teen, and her emotional self never fully developed.

My mom goes to see my grandma in the nursing home regularly. This is a kind gesture, but she doesn't seem to do it out of love so much as out of some overwhelming sense of DUTY. She complains about going; she complains that her sisters don't go; she feels the need to tell me every depressing detail..."HERE, I'M UNHAPPY, LET ME SHARE THAT WITH YOU"! She is easily the most negative person I have ever encountered. Last night, she was sharing that she was going shopping tomorrow with her sisters. Not my cup of tea, but I said that sounded nice. She began to complain about where they would probably go to shop, to eat, etc... She complained about me leaving Xmas early (yes, they put Eddie up to guilting me into it). I finally unloaded... I told her that while she may enjoy these family get-togethers, I most certainly do not. Eddie is the only person who talks to me; in fact, I spent 1 1/2 of the 2 hours I was there sitting in the living room alone, reading a book. Probably the biggest slap in the face to me was dinner...they served a dish that I'm allergic to! Always have been, so it wasn't a big surprise. When I mentioned this ahead of time, I was told I could eat chips and veggies! Does this sound like people who give a shit if I'm there or not?

In my parents' world, anything different is bad. When I wanted to go to college, they tried to talk me out of it. My dad still makes fun of me if I don't know something--"all that money for college and you don't even know THAT?". They have no comprehension of accepting the differences among people. They feel that their way is the right way, and anyone who does things differently is wrong or bad. I said that I was going to go today and work in my classroom. I was told that I'm stupid for going to work when I don't have to. Again, I tried to explain that mine is a career that is very important to me, and I want things to go well. Again, I was belittled until I said, "obviously, we have different opinions, can we just drop it?" My mom started in with that tone, "I guess I'm just stupid because I don't understand it". To be honest, my mom is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I've never told her that. I try to be patient and explain things so she can understand them.

I think I've discussed the Evil Presence (aka my dad) to the point that you'd all recognize him if you saw his toothless, weathered face leering across the bar at you. Occasionally, he does something nice; he bought my mom a new toaster for Xmas (he went into WalMart, which is a big deal for him) because she wanted one. It was a really expensive toaster oven. She complained about it- he went outside to drink. This is the joy that I grew up with.

I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from this rant, except a little release. I'm sorry that it's not as positive as I'd like; right now, I'M not as positive as I'd like, either. I miss my kids; school is the only place I've ever really felt comfortable. One more week...

Bringing Happiness to the Land of Blog

I was cruising blogs today (I really AM trying to clean), and I noticed some unpleasant trends. There really are a lot of people who are filled with hate out there. I was reading one blog, and the person was spouting some worn-out racist words for biracial children. Of course, this was followed by the mandatory, "I'm not racist, but..." bullshit. Let me just tell you, if you've ever uttered that phrase, you need to reexamine your heart. I was really angry at first because this person thought that they were better than someone whose skin is a different color. But, then I realized that I need to find compassion and pity for this person. I feel sorry for them that they will never know how beautiful (inside and out) people of other races are. They will never know the joy that comes from hugging a child (of any color) who may not have been hugged in years. They will never feel the unity with everyone they meet that many of us feel. When Eddie was little, and first discovering the Internet, he said the most beautiful thing. He said, "When you're online, there's no races or sexes, there's none of the things that makes us all feel separate from each other. Online, you can only see inside each other, and inside we're all the same". His is a very old and very wise soul.

I was also reading Jam Daddy's blog, where he was trying to take account of the good he's done this year. I think this is a great idea. We can all recite our shortcomings with ease- what we wanted to do but didn't find time, times when our compassion fell short, people we were less than kind to. I would like us all to take stock of what we DID do...the things we did right that may have made another's life a little nicer. I was raised to believe that if I patted myself on the back, I was being arrogant. I have come to disagree with this. I believe that by focusing on the positive changes we have made in the world, we can try to continue on this path in the new year. So, fellow bloggers, I give you the list of things I am most proud of doing this year (in no particular order):

I have commented positively about each of my students in front of others-many of them spend years without some form of positive feedback from their teachers, so even if it's a small victory, I try to celebrate it.

I gave my coat to a homeless woman- sure, it was one my ex bought for me, but I was wearing it at the time, and had to walk several blocks without it.

I have furnished T. with lunch for the past 3 weeks.

We just found out that one of our students is homeless (they live in a van). I bought a WalMart gift card and sent it to his mom from Santa Claus.

I love my students unconditionally, and tell them that regularly.

When my cousin was unemployed, I anonymously sent him all the cash I could spare so he could buy his kids new school clothes.

Ok, my list isn't filled with things that will change the world, but these are things that I can do that have a positive effect on others. I would like to hear from others about what you have done this year to make someone's life a little easier. Let's try to insulate ourselves with positive energy and a spirit of hope to carry us into the new year.

Karma Kicks Ass

Ok, trying this again: Blogger wouldn't let me in yesterday, and has now lost TWO posts.

Karma is a beautiful thing, and sometimes it's vicious as HELL! Nina had a fight in her room on Tues. One girl shoved another's head through the window. Nina tried to separate them and got punched at least twice. Her whistle was ripped off her neck, and when she told her other kids to get help, they blocked the doorway and didn't move. Finally, Bill heard the commotion and helped her. I didn't hear anything until they were trying to get the girls out into the hall. I went and tried to get the other kids back into their classes. Nina has some really scary kids, and I thought one was going to hit me because I put my hand on his arm. The school is pressing charges on the two girls, and it's a felony because they hit a teacher. Later, she had a small scuffle, but she and I were able to contain it quickly. I was proud of my kids: as soon as I walked out the door to help her, one of them got on the call box to the office and asked for help!

In the continuing soap opera of T's life, one of his grandmas has died. On Wed, he was trying to finish his final exam (the rest of the kids did projects and we were playing a game). When I went to check on him, he was crying, and apologized for not being able to do it. I told him to forget it for now, and come play the game with the others. It seemed to cheer him a little. So, his grade gets turned in a couple of days late- that's life. I told his other teachers that his grandma had died and that I was going to send flowers, thinking they would want to contribute. They just stared at me---FUCKERS. One of the counselors and an administrator who has taken an interest in him said they would contribute, which I thought was nice.

I told my mom that I'm not doing Xmas day dinner at my aunt's. I'll do tonight at Cruella's so I can see Eddie, but I just don't enjoy seeing those people, and Dad will embarass me somehow, so why bother? She's pissed, but I'm relieved.

I want to thank Inanna for giving me one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. I read in her blog that her psychologist thinks medication would help her focus long enough to clean her house. It suddenly hit me--- when I was on my anxiety meds, I was able to clean, do the laundry and dishes, AND finish things I started. Since I've been off them, it's a struggle for me to maintain a train of thought long enough to finish a sentence. THANKYOU, Inanna, for letting me know that I may just be crazy and not necessarily lazy!!!!!

Please continue to keep T in your prayers. Two weeks with no structure will be dangerous for many of my kids; it could be especially so for him.

Have a happy (insert holiday name here). If you do not celebrate any holiday at this time of the year, have a great day! I hope we all find peace and comfort.

The Painful Life of Tsarina

Sorry I haven't been around- this was a rough week and once I get home, all I do is sleep.

T. is in jail. He stole a car stereo. To say I am disappointed in him is putting it mildly. He's been making great progress- he stopped getting high, because part of his probation requires random drug testing. However, his uncle (a deacon at a church) fired him about three weeks ago (he helped fix stuff at the retirement home associated with the church), because he worked too fast (and I'm assuming he wasn't doing the work thoroughly). My thought would be that you would show the kid HOW you want something done, but hey, that's just me. So, T. hasn't had enough to eat for a while; I've been buying him lunch (as a half-day student, he doesn't qualify for free lunch). In his mind, when he saw this stereo, it meant money. Then, when the police questioned him, the stupid little shit admitted to it immediately. Honesty is good, but there are times to keep your freaking mouth shut. His mom and grandma have been refusing to accept his calls, so he called the school on my planning period. Thank God the good secretary answered and accepted the call so I could talk to him. If he's not in class tomorrow, I'm going to juvenile hall and trying to see him.

Her Highness has also discovered that she is WAAAAAYYYY too old to be rolling around on a concrete floor, trying to pull fighting girls off of each other. There was a fight in the galleria Friday, and let me tell you: narrow-minded Nina is NO FUCKING HELP in a crisis. As I'm on the floor, pulling one girl, with my feet pushing the other away, a third girl jumped on me. I see Nina standing there, mouth open. I finally yelled at her, "Get her the fuck off of me", which shocked the crowd of kids! At one point, the third girl had balled up her fist and was going to hit me. I stared her in the eye and said, "If you hit me, I will hit you back", which stopped her. Finally, Ann (another teacher), jumped in and helped separate everyone (by this time, there were five girls involved). The whole fucking time, Nina just stood there... she didn't even blow her whistle- I had to do that, too. I'm not saying she had to jump into the melee, but for God's sake, at least pull the girl off my back, you stupid twit! When all was said and done, five girls are suspended, Tsarina and Ann received attention from the nurse for minor scrapes and bruises, and Nina complained of a headache from the whole event!

When I got back to my class (with 20 minutes left), the kids were very concerned about me. It was sweet, really, they all crowded around and wanted me to assure them that the bruise on my cheek was nothing. Sometimes they are so kind, they make me want to cry (and sometimes, I DO). There is one kid in that class that I don't know what to do with- he likes me, which is fine, but he's being accused of saying things that are really inappropriate. Some of the girls are uncomfortable with the things they say he's been saying about me. I tried to talk to him, and explain sexual harassment and its consequences. He assurred me that it wouldn't happen again. However, as he was leaving Friday, I heard him refer to me as his woman to another student. I was too tired to stop him. Sigh, as sad as it is, that's the best offer I've had in ages... I gotta get a life!

I was thinking about those of you who stop by regularly, and how each of us is so different, yet I care about each of you so much. I'm very grateful for each and every one of you, and I pray that you all have a safe and happy holiday, and that your new year is filled with peace, love and joy.

Daily Life

Hello, everyone! Tsarina is feeling a bit...odd. I'm not sure, but I think when the label says to take 1-2 tsp. every 6 hours, they don't mean take a shot whenever the urge strikes you! However, if I have coughed at all in the last 12 hours, I was not awake to know it.

Tomorrow is Cruella's stepdaughter's birthday (I guess I'll call her Amy). Amy is a strange kid, and I feel bad that I haven't put more effort into getting to know her. I got her some cool kits to make stained-glass and bead jewelry...I have no idea what little girls like.

I met James' little brother, John, this week. What a cutie! I was talking to him in the hall (he was skipping class- if you'd met most of his teachers, you'd understand WHY he was skipping class). We were chatting, and he was agreeing to go back to class when one of his teachers came around the corner and started yelling at him. First of all it pissed me off because I am perfectly capable of handling the situation. Secondly, she tried to humiliate him by screaming that he was failing his classes, and shouldn't be skipping. It drives me nuts; why do you have to be so fucking mean to the poor kid? I told him that if he passed 7th grade (this is his second time), I'd request for him to be in my class next year...don't know if I'll even have a job next year, but it seemed to make him happy. Now every time I see him in the hall, he smiles and says, "hi". Ok, I'll adopt him and James both!

T. is confusing the hell out of me. He's doing well in my class, and in Lit, where she also is letting him do independent study, and he's been doing ok in history (I've been pulling him out of class and working on it with him). But, now he has to work on his group history project, and he's mad because he can't come to my room and work on it. For starters, I can't stand one of the kids in his group, and couldn't take having to deal with him twice a day. He's creepy- always "adjusting" himself, and "accidentally" bumping into girls (and female teachers). During a fight last week, as I was trying to keep kids back, someone grabbed my ass. I can't prove it was him because there was so much chaos, but I KNOW it was...ick. T. is also still failing math. Math teachers in general are inflexible (I have a friend who works near Chicago who is great, but she's the only one I've ever met). Our math teacher WILL NOT give him his work and let him do it; she insists he must listen to her lecture. For crying out loud, this is the third time he's taken that class, he probably DOES know it! But, she's kind of a bitch anyway- she won't give up the day before Xmas break to have a party for the kids. I don't know what she thinks they're going to learn, but she refuses to do anything but hold a regular class. Three of us are going to have parties in our classes, and I'm trying to find something that won't be too expensive to buy for 110 of them, but that they will like.

Also, this week Nina and I had a huge argument. Several times, I tried to say it was just that we had different opinions, but she's one of those people who CAN NOT understand any other point of view, and who feels that if she just talks louder, she'll convince you. She was again saying that most of her students were never going to go to college. I said, "well, not if no one believes that they will", which pissed her off. She started ranting about how when I tell them that they're going to college, I'm putting too much pressure on them (wtf?). I told her that while it is possible that they may never go to college, I want them to know that if they WANT to, there is at least one person in the world who beleives that they can. SHE FUCKING FREAKED! Told me that I was being unrealistic and unprofessional by telling them that anyone could go to college. She honestly said, "You are putting ideas into their heads that they can be successful, when we both know that they are going to end up in prison or dead". Then Tsarina fucking freaked and told her she was a narrow minded idiot if she thought that where a person came from determined where they could go. I asked her, "If one of your kids was raised by an alcoholic father and a mother suffering from severe depression that kept her in bed for years at a time, and the kids were forced to take care of their daily needs since they were around seven...the kids were abused and neglected, and in middle school, started drinking and using drugs. The family lived at the poverty level- would you think that student would never go to college or do anything?" She said, "NO, the kids will be another burden on society". I smiled and said, "I'm glad you weren't my teacher, or I guess I'd just be another burden on society. One of my teachers told me I could do anything- it may be harder than for other kids, but I could do it". She had no reply except to call me a "Liberal bitch with no concept of reality", and tell me that ideas like these are why so many scholarships are available to "unqualified" students. The more I get to know some of my fellow teachers, the smaller my group of friends becomes.

Ok, I've gotta go shopping...thank God and Al Gore for the Internet!

Have a great weekend!

SnowDance

Friday night, I chaperoned a dance at school. Boy, talk about the more things change, the more they stay the same... As far as changes- many of the girls were wearing strapless dresses and stilletto heels. The music was a strange combination of hip-hop and heavy metal. Funny to watch the black kids trying to teach the white kids to dance to Snoop Dog, and the white kids trying to show the black kids how to dance to AC/DC! Several of my kids who should not have been allowed in were there... I didn't say anything, because I feel like school-sponsored activities are a much better choice than leaving them to their own devices. Several of the other teachers had gone for cocktails beforehand, and they were really enjoying themselves!! Afterward, we all went for drinks, and I had a great time there, too.

As for things staying the same... why is it that at every dance, there must be girls in the bathroom crying? ALWAYS! I could actually see several of the girls' hearts breaking when no one asked them to dance. I was really proud of a couple of my girls, though, who went and asked boys! One of my girls stood and talked to a couple of us most of the night. I could tell she wanted to dance, but she's a little awkward and no one asked her. I was trying to catch James' eye; I was hoping he'd ask her. That is another great thing about him; he's very empathetic.

I'm trying to plan for the week while high on codine cough medicine. I have bronchitis, and they gave me the good stuff so I can sleep! MMMmmmm, codine! Anyway, I'm going to get this done and do some laundry. Hope you all had a good weekend, I'll try to post soon.

Rambling 'Rina

I've always written to help me sort out my thoughts. I never expected for people to actually visit my blog, let alone frequent it. So, I hope you're not sick of hearing about my kids, because right now, my thoughts of them are what I am sorting out.

I have worked with kids for several years. Some touch your heart more than others. James is definitely one of those. I love him, and would adopt him if I were offered the opportunity. He is discovering his value, and that's a magical thing to observe. (to remind you: he is in his third year in middle school; previous serious behavior problems; this year, good grades and BASKETBALL TEAM). Some website has ranked the players from the city, and he's ranked SECOND! He's recently begun showing me some of his poetry, and it's so beautiful that he's made me choke up several times. They're really thoughtful, sensitive works about the drugs and gangs that surround him, and the hopelessness of his life. I would put it up here, but I don't have permission, and I don't think it's my place. I am so reminded of the movie, "Finding Forrester", that I'm thinking of showing that the week of Christmas. He hurt his ankle badly in their game last night (but went back in and scored several more points). When he was down, it took every ounce of self-control I had not to rush onto the court and try to carry him off. As he sat with ice on it, all he kept saying was, "I wanna play": I don't understand it, but I admire his drive.

T. is suspended. He does not deserve to be, as I know for a fact that he served the detention with the ass principal (yes, I realize I wrote ASS principal *raises eyebrow*). However, the ass principal says he didn't, and suspended him. Strange- I have a white student who committed the same offense, and is much more disruptive in class who received three days in-school suspension. I tried to talk with T's mom the day it happened, but when I called, she seemed VERY "out of it". I hope he is ok- he told me the Mon. after Thanksgiving that over the weekend, he was robbed at gunpoint. Sigh, sometimes the obstacles they face is overwhelming to ME- how must they feel?

The bitch teacher has given them a semester project that would make college students cringe. She is now irate with me because I told them we could use a couple of days of class time to work on it. She thinks I'm undermining her. I don't give a flying fuck. She's also mad because the kids were saying stuff about their other teachers, and she said, "well, they are not clones of me". To which one student (who rarely wakes up long enough to switch classes) opened his eyes and shouted, "PRAISE GOD!" She set herself up- no pity. I talked to my principal about her today. He assures me something will be done...forgive my cynicism, but we'll see.

Today was actually a wonderful day, in spite of the fact that I have no voice. None, nada, zilch. My kids came in, and were very sympathetic; they stayed quiet so they could hear me whisper, and they worked dilligently. I love them. I have never worked anywhere that I loved the kids this much. It's like I've finally found where I'm supposed to be. Maybe forever, maybe just for this year, but I KNOW without a doubt that this is where I was meant to be at this moment in time.

I hope you all feel like that when you leave for work in the morning- have a great Friday!