I Give Up

It seems like forever since I've been here. So many things going on that I feel like the proverbial one legged-man in the ass kicking contest.

First of all, John has worn out my sympathy. He was released on probation with two of the class X felonies being held over his head. He followed the rules for exactly four days. He has refused to go to his community-service work, he's begun sneaking out at night again, and the other day, J found GUNS hidden in the basement. When John goes back (and yes, I am now saying WHEN, not IF), I will not feel sorry for him. Apparently, the time he served wasn't enough to convince him that he doesn't want to be there. He called his grandma, crying every night. But, I guess that wasn't painful enough for him to remember it. I love him, and I am more than happy to help him if he tries to help himself. I will continue to pray that he opens his eyes before it's too late. I will continue to want the best for him. And I will not abandon him when he is finally forced to face the consequences of his actions. But, I am done staying up at night worrying about his choices. I am done driving around at 3am trying to find him. I am done crying when I see him in chains (ok, I'll probably still do that- he's only 15 for God's sake).

I'm worried about J's health. He works outside in this miserable weather, and refuses to take care of himself. He has started drinking more water, but I know he rarely takes a break. Most of the time, his lunch comes back uneaten because he didn't want to stop and take a break. He gets really mad when I tell him he's not 20 any more. I hope he can get on with the district- he's hoping to get a custodian position in the schools. That way, he'd at least be inside most of the time. He just doesn't look as healthy as he used to.

With all of that in the background, I started school last week. My new school is a year-round one, so we'll go for about 9 weeks, then get 3 weeks off. So far, so good (knock wood). I'm now in a K-8 building, so a lot of the rules seem really childish to me, but overall, it's ok. I have 2 sections of 7th grade and 2 of 8th, then a "lab", where kids who are at risk of failing the ISAT come in for whatever help I can offer. There are only 4 kids in the class, because most of them are in math or reading lab.

My classes are pretty small- the largest is 28 kids. The school is brand new, so everything seems so clean and cheerful. This part of the year is so hard, because names are really hard for me to remember. The worst part is that I try to focus on the kid when I say their names, to imprint them in my memory- but the girls are really hard- one day they may have long braids, the next, all the extensions are out and they look completely different. I only have 2 names that I'm having trouble pronouncing this year, so that's a plus.

Ok, I need to get to work on this week's plans. Have a great weekend.

Life Changing Events

Inanna has made me begin thinking about a lot of things with her last few posts. Let's just say, I understand where she's at. Bless you, Nanner, for where you've been and where you're going.

I spent most of last night at the police station, trying to pick up John. They called at 3 looking for J, who is in Chicago. They said they couldn't reach J's mom, and could I come down. I did, and waited...and waited...and waited. An officer came out at 4 and said it would be "a little while". John was with 4 other boys who were caught outside a house with socks over their hands, presumably to conceal fingerprints. The biggest issue is that one of the boys had a gun (they wouldn't say if it was John or not, so I just waited and worried). The waiting continued. J's mom arrived around 6:00. I had to be on an interview committee at noon, so I went home to sleep.

She waited...and waited...and waited. At 10:30, they let her back to see him. He confessed to burglarizing 3 previous houses, but claims that he didn't know the other boy had a gun. They've been charged with home invasion- a felony charge. He's 15. He's still on probation for riding in a stolen truck with a "friend". They took him to the Springfield Youth Facility until his court date tomorrow. My guess is that given the serious nature of his charges, he'll be detained, but maybe not. His grandma is distraught. She believes that he's just being led astray by his friends. J and I are more realistic- John is a decent kid who has chosen a flawed, faulty path. J wants them to keep John in custody in the hopes that he will be scared straight. I have seen kids come out of that facility- John will not be scared, but will have built a rep and will continue on the path he's chosen. No matter what, these actions will haunt him for years to come.

Family Fun

"Celebrated" the 4th with my family. J didn't go- I haven't told them about him yet. He's hurt by that. He seems to think that once I do, he'll be able to talk to them and they'll be ok with everything. It's not going to happen like that. I can tell you now, I will probably never see my parents again. I know, I know, you're wondering why I haven't told them yet, as that would be a huge relief. The fact is that I owe them a lot of money from the house I still (barely) own. A lot, like around 40,000. I want to get the house sold, so that I can pay them back first. Otherwise, they're going to somehow find a way to blame my debt on his race.

I hate seeing my family; it's depressing. First of all, Dad is so drunk all of the time now, that he's even more hateful than ever before. He used to joke and laugh, and make other people laugh. Now, his jokes are filled with venom, and most of us try to avoid him. He hates everyone and everything. Looking at him is a sad reminder of the potential that he pissed away, and also a frightening look at what could happen to me if I don't watch my own consumption. He can't be reasoned with- he only knows the world as it pertains to HIM. Anyone with a different perspective is wrong, or stupid, or otherwise inferior to him.

Seeing my mom is just as bad. I've noticed her memory lapses for over a year, but yesterday as I talked with one of her sisters, I found out that she's noticed it, too. It's progressing. My mom will be 69 this year, only slightly younger than her mom was when we started noticing her memory problems. She lived another 20-some years as her Alzheimers progressed. I don't know what would happen to mom if she needed care- obviously Dad won't be able to care for her, and my sister and I each live over an hour away in different directions. And, to be honest, I would not do for her what she did for her own mother. I have made great strides in practicing forgivenness, but I'm a flawed person, and even I have limits. She didn't protect me when I was little and vulnerable, and I'm not inclined to drop everything to devote to her care. I'm not proud of this, but it's how I feel.

I'm beginning to panic, as my new school begins on July 19, and I need to get into my room and work. Not to mention that I don't have lessons planned, or anything prepared. I'm a nervous wreck, and I'm sad. I think I'll go back to bed.