Family Fun

"Celebrated" the 4th with my family. J didn't go- I haven't told them about him yet. He's hurt by that. He seems to think that once I do, he'll be able to talk to them and they'll be ok with everything. It's not going to happen like that. I can tell you now, I will probably never see my parents again. I know, I know, you're wondering why I haven't told them yet, as that would be a huge relief. The fact is that I owe them a lot of money from the house I still (barely) own. A lot, like around 40,000. I want to get the house sold, so that I can pay them back first. Otherwise, they're going to somehow find a way to blame my debt on his race.

I hate seeing my family; it's depressing. First of all, Dad is so drunk all of the time now, that he's even more hateful than ever before. He used to joke and laugh, and make other people laugh. Now, his jokes are filled with venom, and most of us try to avoid him. He hates everyone and everything. Looking at him is a sad reminder of the potential that he pissed away, and also a frightening look at what could happen to me if I don't watch my own consumption. He can't be reasoned with- he only knows the world as it pertains to HIM. Anyone with a different perspective is wrong, or stupid, or otherwise inferior to him.

Seeing my mom is just as bad. I've noticed her memory lapses for over a year, but yesterday as I talked with one of her sisters, I found out that she's noticed it, too. It's progressing. My mom will be 69 this year, only slightly younger than her mom was when we started noticing her memory problems. She lived another 20-some years as her Alzheimers progressed. I don't know what would happen to mom if she needed care- obviously Dad won't be able to care for her, and my sister and I each live over an hour away in different directions. And, to be honest, I would not do for her what she did for her own mother. I have made great strides in practicing forgivenness, but I'm a flawed person, and even I have limits. She didn't protect me when I was little and vulnerable, and I'm not inclined to drop everything to devote to her care. I'm not proud of this, but it's how I feel.

I'm beginning to panic, as my new school begins on July 19, and I need to get into my room and work. Not to mention that I don't have lessons planned, or anything prepared. I'm a nervous wreck, and I'm sad. I think I'll go back to bed.