Responsibilities

I am completely overwhelmed. It's one week into the new year, and I already feel like I'm in over my head. The pressure on us is incredible this year. We're beginning our 5th year on the watch list, which means if our test scores don't meet a standard set by the government, we can all lose our jobs. I have absolutely no problem being held responsible for my students' learning; what I do have a problem with is the fact that when over 40% of my students read at a 3rd grade level (or below), it takes a lot more time to help them reach the "acceptable" level set by the government. My suggestion is, and always has been, test them at the beginning of the year and again at the end of the year and see if progress has been made.

We also found out that our first information about last year's test scores was not entirely correct. The reading scores did, in fact, improve drastically. Math, unfortunately, went down.

Now, with his hands full with this, the principal has allowed the Ass to run rampant. He spends his days talking down to us, barking orders at us, and just totally demoralizing the staff. I love many of the other staff members, but this is not the same building I worked in last year. If someone doesn't reign him in, I am worried about the atmosphere in the school. Another source of contention is our union. They suck. Let me tell you, I've always been a proud union supporter- I believe they are necessary to protect the humanity of many workers. Our union, on the other hand takes a ridiculous amount of my paycheck in order to protect the tenured teachers, most of whom should not be working around children. Federal mediators have been requested because they can't agree on certain aspects of our contract. Most of these points are stupid, and the union is simply acting like a greedy child. Even if I quit the union, they will still be able to take money out of my check, which I don't understand how that is legal. Several of us are considering quitting the union as a symbolic gesture. This will cause a huge rift between the "old school", hardcore teachers and those of us who are newer. I hope they don't ask me to go on strike, because as sick as it would make me to cross a picket line, I WILL NOT give my kids the impression that the stupid shit they are arguing for is more important to me than them.

I found out that one of my angels from last year is pregnant. She is smart and strong, so I hope she will be able to continue her education. All of this, in addition to a HUGE budget cut from the federal government has totally devastated us. Thank God for my kids. I think we'll have a great year; I know many of them from last year.

Terrible news about James' family. I talked with John, who told me grandma is in the hospital. Apparently, she has cancer and is dying. John is much harder to reach than James and (I don't remember what I called the younger one, so I'll call him Josh). John and Josh are both back in 7th grade, although I am working with the principal because we both feel that a mistake was made with Josh. I don't know what it is about these kids that they touch my heart the way they do. What they believe will happen when grandma passes is that James will stay with an aunt in town, and John, Josh, and the little one Jerry will be farmed out to relatives around the country. That will break my heart. I want so badly to get my back taxes paid, sell this house, move there and become a foster parent. I don't know if the family would agree to let a "stranger" keep them, but I know grandma would give me the ok. She's a wonderful woman who loves them and recognizes that I do too. John says he's going to start coming in 2 days a week for tutoring- if he does, I know I can help him. I just hope we have enough time.

Ok, I've got work to do. I'll check back when I can. Have a good week.

Hi

Ok, I made a few bucks and paid the phone; one crisis avoided. Then I ruptured a disk in my back moving the mountain of new textbooks that my stupid fucking dept. head was too lazy to help with. Ann, Nina, and I have spent almost two weeks working on this shit, then dh goes to the principal and tells him what a wonderful job SHE has been doing, but wishes she'd gotten more support from us. Fortunately, he already knew the truth- he saw me out and asked how it was going. I tried to control it, but he asked a second time and I told him the truth. He always says that he wishes others were as honest with him as I am...be careful what you wish for.

I've been so busy trying to get my class ready on top of the text situation. The girl who had my room last year took the key for the cabinets, so I can't get into most of them until maintence decides to put down the donut and re-key them (which means at my retirement party). If they don't get out by Friday, I'm going to take my drill and just drill out the locks- file a grievance if you want to, you lazy motherfuckers. Registration is this week, then school starts next week- I can't wait. I am very disappointed that at least one, and possibly both of James' brothers failed 7th grade. John will now be a 16 year-old 7th grader who has at least one older brother in prison- I'm very worried about him. I'm a little worried about James in high school, too- God I hope I didn't baby him too much. He did promise me that he would graduate high school, so I have reason to hope.

Last weekend, I went to a festival and saw several of my kids- it was exciting. I felt like a star; I'd hear someone scream "MS. TSARINA", then be engulfed in a swarm of hugs. Some of them have gotten so big: Ty is probably close to 6'4"! It doesn't matter, though, they're still my babies, and I couldn't have been happier to see them. A couple of them were high and got all embarassed when I noticed it. Personally, I'd rather that they were high than drunk, as they won't do as many stupid things, but then that's just me. I fucked with them for a little bit, you know, asking if they were hungry and talking about Taco Bell, then played on their paranoia a little. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

With the ever-increasing cost of gas, it's now going to cost me a little under 20 dollars a day to drive to and from work...TWENTY DOLLARS A DAY. That's 400 dollars a month. Sadly, it doesn't sound like our new contract is going to raise our salaries enough to cover that. If I can find someplace to rent for less than that, I may stay in the city through the week and work on the house on weekends. I don't know why a tornado doesn't just pick up the house (when Baxter and I are gone, of course) and let me collect the insurance. The neighbors would be thrilled to get rid of the jungle that passes for my yard, and I'd be glad to sleep beyond 4:30 in the morning.

On that note, I gotta go to bed. Have a good week!

Tsarina is Pissy

Ok, boys and girls, it looks like Tsarina may be absent for a while, and honestly I don't know when I'll be back. You see, Verizon is demanding their money, which I absolutely agree that they deserve. It's not that I'm a complete loser, but I believed that when I was told I would be paid for all the meetings I attended this summer, and that I'd be reimbursed for the conference in June, that I would receive money in a somewhat timely manner. Our school board (hereafter known as Rich White Fuckers, or RWF), has decided that this is one more way to control us. They are in contract negotiations right now, and in spite of the fact that we are the absolutely lowest-paid urban district in the area, they stated that paying us makes us lazier. So, along that line, they have chosen to withhold all stipend money until negotiations are over, meaning the end of August at the earliest.

Let me explain a couple of things about our school board (and I don't think they're much different from other school boards): First, most do not send their children to public schools, which speaks volumes about their character. I'm a firm believer that if you are working for a school district, you should send your children to that district- otherwise it's a show of bad faith.Second, one of the school board members wandered into Bill's room last year, sat through 17 minutes of class (this was his class with 2 kids on parole for aggravated battery and six kids who receive special ed services in a class of 27). After this 17 minutes, the RWF proceeded to berate Bill for not being "tough enough". Bill politely explained that for starters, the 6 kids were doing the best they could, but most were severely ADHD, and they physically could not remain seated for too long at a time. He explained that you do not get in the face of an aggressive student (this is especially true of males) and challenge them, as the situation will escalate and someone will get hurt {one of the 2 kids had been sent to the office during the 17 minutes for swearing}. The member actually said, "Well, if he got violent, we could get him out of here for good, that would improve the schools". Bill and I looked at each other, and Bill placidly said, "Yes, without students, my job would be much easier", and went back to his room.

Several others have sent memos saying things like: "Stop allowing students to fight in school. This is costing the district too much money. Teachers should simply not put up with this any longer". *Does that mean the cockfights in the gym are off too?* "Teachers should start trying to help students to pass their classes. We have too many students being retained. Teachers should offer tutoring to these students" *Lemme see if I get this...START TRYING TO HELP STUDENTS? Why didn't I think of that*?

I also personally received a letter from a board member about her nephew who was in my class: "Nephew tells me that you do not encourage students to memorize information. He does not understand, nor do I, why you do not want him to 'spit facts' at you.... Why do you keep insisting that he should 'find new solutions to old problems'? ...

Also, I am deeply concerned that you encourage your students to 'question authority'. Why on earth would you want that? Nephew says you allow students to question your authority- this is an alarming trend. What would happen if everyone questioned every instruction they received, merely because it did not make sense to them? Chaos would ensue. ...

I received a first-class education, and my teachers did none of the aforementioned activities. We were told to sit down, read, and answer questions. We respected our teachers, and did not misbehave. ...

I am a member of the [district name] school board, and if you do not desist from these behaviors immediately, I will bring this matter to the board's attention."

That was a 2 page letter. I don't know if she brought the matter up in a meeting or not; frankly, I don't give a rat's ass. The truth is that I love my job, I love my kids, I love my principal, and I love most of my co-workers. I had the opportunity to take a job with a lot more money and benefits, but I chose to remain because that is not what motivates me. However, I would like to see this happen in any other job: what if your boss suddenly told you, "I dunno when you'll get paid, but don't worry, you will". Would you be inclined to continue? I'll admit, I was late for a meeting yesterday, something that I've never been before, and it was out of spite. I could not bring myself to move faster when I knew I wasn't going to get paid anytime soon, and the people paying me have no respect for what I do anyway. I've already borrowed 200 dollars from my mom, a fact that is humiliating enough, but now my phone will be shut off AGAIN? Christ, this grown up thing is just not working for me. I'll see ya when I see ya.

Tsarina Needs Anxiety Meds

I don't have normal fears like other people. I'm not really afraid of being robbed on a dark street late at night, or of death, or of any of the other typical things that scare most folks. It's not that I believe that I'm immune to these things; I simply don't worry about them.

What does scare me, you ask? Snakes are my biggest "outside" fear (outside meaning outside of myself). I do realize that they are as scared of me as I am of them, at least in my mind. Because my basement is only partially finished, having an open crawlspace, I've started thinking about snakes getting into the basement. It takes every ounce of my strength to go down there. Unfortunately, that is where my washer and dryer are located, so my laundry has started to pile up.

I know exactly when this started: at the end of the school year, one of my kids was telling me that his family moved into a new house with...you guessed it...snakes in the basement. He said that they killed 6 in the first 2 hours they were there. As he was talking, I could feel my heart racing and my head begin to swim. I truly thought I may pass out, and had to make an excuse to leave.

That's the problem with anxiety (at least mine, I can't speak for everyone with these problems). It starts out as something simple- lots of people are afraid of snakes- then escalates until it consumes you. I have other, more realistic fears that affect me the same way, things like being lost, failing, etc. Being lost is a weird one, because it only freaks me out if it's dark...go figure.

I decided to share this with you because according to statistics, someone in your real life has this problem, but may be suffering in silence. I just thought I was crazy for many years- I had to shop at the same 2 grocery stores, because I didn't know where anything was in other ones; I didn't try new things unless I had read everything I could about them to reduce my risk of failure, and go to the zoo? Only if we avoided the reptile house completely. The worst part is that when a situation occurs, such as losing my car in a parking lot (HUGE trigger for me), I would feel like I was going to die...literally die. I know in my head that it's just a stupid parking lot, but I feel like I'm being swallowed alive.

There are medications that make things drastically better (Clonazepam was created by the gods). I've been off my meds for a year now, and look what's happened- racing downstairs to wash my undies. I was afraid to go to a doctor this entire past year, because I worry that I'll lose my job if my insurance finds out I need anxiety medication...I WORK WITH CHILDREN. *I should note here that my students have NEVER been a source of anxiety for me, although administration (especially the Ass) frequently is*. I know that legally, my employer doesn't have access to my medical records, but...

Now, I had decided that I would get back on my medication this summer, but unfortunately, I'm not getting paid for the work I've been doing until August. While insurance will pay for medication, I have a huge deductable for the dr. (Derek, appreciate Canada's healthcare system). Another benefit of the meds is that I'm able to focus better, which I desperately need. I have six million projects started and none finished...school starts in less than 3 weeks! Ok, I have to put my shoes on and go switch laundry- wish me luck.