You CAN go home again...if You're an Idiot

My great aunt's memorial service was today. It was held in the town where I grew up; I'll call it Hell. It occurred to me yesterday that because her daughter was in my class at school (and she was pretty popular), I would be seeing some of my classmates at the service. Well, as I was the complete opposite of popular, this realization caused me some stress. I dealt with it like the mature professional that I am: I got extremely drunk. Not "dancing on the table drunk", but well on my way toward that. I believe that somewhere around ts 3 (tequila shot 3), I decided I was just going to stay out all night and go to the funeral in my bar clothes. Fortunately, I reconsidered this idea.

I did have the foresight to take some Alleve before I went to bed, so at least my head didn't hurt like everything else. Alarm goes off, hand hits snooze. I pry one eye open and look around- my own bed, always a good omen. There didn't seem to be anyone I didn't recognize next to me- things are looking up. After a shower and some coffee, I was feeling almost human again, and got ready to go. The service was to start at 11, so I left at 10: plenty of time. Well, I forgot to take into account the fact that our dumbass governor has approved six gazillion road construction projects, so I pulled into the church parking lot at 10:59.

The first thing that struck me was that the minister looks EXACTLY like the actor, Edward Norton...exactly. I didn't recognize anyone, and was feeling pretty good, when a woman approached the podium to say a few words. She began talking about the dearly departed, and I kept thinking there was something familiar about her. Suddenly it struck me...Rita Walters. Fuck me with a chainsaw- of all the people I didn't want to see ever again in my life, Rita would definitely make the top five. In spite of being ugly and not exceptionally bright, Rita was a cheerleader and graduated in the top 3 of our class. She was always unusually nasty to me. Looking back, I have no doubt that she felt insecure, because she knew that I was much smarter than her and if I'd chosen to apply myself, I would have blown her top 3 spot.

After Rita, two other bitc..er women spoke; each brought the same reaction from my intestines. I felt the knot forming in my stomach that was my constant companion throughout my entire life in Hell. Suddenly, I wasn't a competent, intelligent adult with a successful career and a life that brings me much joy. Instead, I was 16 again; I felt insecure and awkward, like nothing about me was good enough to measure up to them. They all had money, they all had 'perfect' (or at least fairly normal) families, they dressed well and only had jobs to give them money for fun stuff. Even today, they were all expensively-dressed and carried themselves like women who are used to getting everything they want.

These were the 3 ringleaders whose soul purpose in life was to torture me. I never let them see how much they hurt me- usually my only response was something akin to "fuck you, you inbred gutterslut" (yes, I DO have a way with words, thankyou). My senior year was the worst of my life- my friends were all older, so I was stuck for 7 hours a day with these cun...er girls. I still wonder what exactly I did to make them hate me- this wasn't just bitchy girl stuff; this was actual hatred. I never dated their boyfriends, beat them in any sort of election or sport, in fact, I tried to maintain a presence slightly under everyone's radar. While they were planning dances and parties, I was working 30 hours a week. While they were sending out college applications, I was listening to the counselor tell me that I shouldn't worry about college, because I would just end up pregnant and on welfare like my sister anyway (but, if I'd let him feel my tits, he'd help me fill out an application anyway...I figured out how to fill it out myself).

It seems ridiculous to me that seeing them again has brought back feelings that I haven't felt in years. A long time ago, I made the decision to put that part of my life behind me and not dwell on it. I rarely think about them; I instinctively threw away my class reuinion invitation without giving any of them a second thought. So why is it that these women, who have (hopefully) matured and changed can make me feel so inadequate? I couldn't bring myself to stay for the luncheon: I made some excuse and left so as not to have to talk with them. My hands shook as I put the key in the ignition and got out of the parking lot as fast as I could.

There was a whole group of kids (25 in a class of 62) who took great pleasure in my pain, but these 3 and one guy were the worst. I don't have bad feelings about him because of an incident that occurred about 5 years after graduation. I saw him at a bar one night and he asked me to talk with him for a minute. Reluctantly, I sat down, and he began one of the most heartfelt apologies that I have ever heard. He told me he was teaching near Chicago, and after being around his students, he understood what a horrible bastard he had been. He said that he knew he didn't deserve my forgiveness, but he wanted me to know that when he saw things like that happening, he told his students how awful he feels about what he did. When I looked at him, I knew he was being truthful, and I felt such a relief in my heart. I hugged him and told him that I did forgive him, and I thanked him. Two words made such a huge difference.

My mom said they asked about me at lunch. Maybe they wanted to apologize too, but I don't think so. Something about the way they looked me up and down as I walked past, then gave me that smile...you know, the smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes, so it looks hollow. I realize I should try to find compassion for them...I should. I'm just not the person I want to be, because I just can't feel that. It was about 6 years after I left Hell that I finally got rid of the knot in my stomach: I was there for 1 hour and it's back.

One of my friends has a sign in her class that says, "People will forget what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel". I guess that sums up my day.

Delirious

IT'S DONE!!!! After about 40 hours over the past 4 days, I'm happy to report that the student handbook is finished...all 114 pages of it! I do still want to add a couple of things to it, but the hard part is over. I have the disk with last year's on it (created by Ass Principal): how that man has gotten as far as he has with such a limited grasp of the English language is beyond me. He's probably not going to be happy that I did not devote the bulk of the handbook to crimes and their punishments, either.

Ann told me about a site for teachers, where I could put a real webpage up for very little money, so of course, I've been working on that too. I swear, the older I get, the harder it is for me to focus on one thing. I'm actually pleased with it. One page on the site is devoted to "Survival Tips". I had my kids write letters to next year's class, offering advice on how to survive my class, and I put parts of some of them up. Some of them are hysterical: One starts out, "Dear Victims"... hehe James' advice is " Always do your work or you is going to have to have a long......long talk with her at lunch". Most mention not talking when I am talking (big pet peeve) and being respectful at all times. A couple call me scary, which pleases me! I'm not sure what the school board would think if they saw the one that says to be prepared to get me a diet pepsi if I ask for it (the soda machine is very close to my room; I'm not sending them to the store or anything).

I did finally break down and hoist the 100 lb. airconditioner into the window this week. I decided that when I got up at 10:30 and the heat index was already 104 and climbing, I needed something. The only problem with being comfortable is that now I'm hungry.

One of my "friends", Chris, has been trying to call me for a couple of days. We went to high school toghether, and she used to be fun. Then she married an accountant, had the most boring child in the world, and apparently shoved a post completely up her ass. She says things like, "I can't believe kids listen to such crap these days". Anyway, she's pregnant again, and calls me sobbing about things like..."I DON'T WANT TO NAME THE BABY KYLE". Seriously, this was like an hour's sobfest. Now, maybe I'm just an insensitive bitch (it's been said before), and I DO realize that she has raging hormones, but for fuck's sake, deal with it. I think I would have more patience if she didn't annoy me so much anyway. I can't stand the person she's become, and she constantly feels the need to insinuate that I'm too immature. Unfortunately for me, my family loves her, and she's at everything. She called three times before 11:00 this morning. Let me explain something- it's summer, and I have strep throat...do not fucking call my house unless I've won money or a car!

Ok, I think I'm going to shower and fix something for dinner...mmmm Pad Thai sounds good....mmmm Have a great weekend everyone!

Tsarina Goes to a Smut Party

First of all, I must acknowledge Jam Daddy's "dipsomaniac" comment on the last post. I'll admit, I had to look it up, and maybe you would have gotten a rise out of me a few days ago. However, a couple of things have changed: 1- I had sex recently, and 2- I have seen the promised land, and it's name is Slumber Parties. I spent next month's entire power bill on "accessories". Unfortunately, most of the stuff had to be ordered, which is why I'm talking to you instead of revelling in my own filth.

Let me begin with my trip to the party...*cue picture fade-out and weird music*

It's called a 'slumber party', so you're told to come in your pj's. I had on my favorite PowerPuff Girls sleep pants and a t-shirt with Buttercup on it. I was traveling above the speed limit, as the car has no air, and moving faster makes the humidity feel more bearable. When I saw red lights in my rearview mirror, I muttered some unkind words and pulled over. I was especially concerned because I've lost my insurance card- AGAIN. I've had my poor insurance guy replace it like 3 times in the past 4 months. As the trooper walked up, he asked for my license and insurance. I handed the license and waited. He asked me where I was going to in such a hurry. *Devil on shoulder..."Tell him, tell him" Angel on shoulder..."Make up something accepta...OOF" Devil kicked his ass. I smiled sweetly and said loud and clear, "Sex toy party". Let me just say, he was not expecting that answer. His jaw dropped and he stared for a full thirty seconds. He handed my license to me and said, "Have a good night". I swear to God-- he let me go; a state fucking trooper!!!!!

I finally get to the party, and find most of my co-workers there, all dressed more or less like myself (Betty Boop, Tweety Bird, etc). We giggled and ate, impatiently waiting the distributor. The Margaritas came out, and went down smoothly. The tension built. Finally, this sweet, 30ish mother of 3 comes in with 3 Rubbermaid tubs full of display merchandise, and begins to set up. We're all giddy with excitement. She introduces herself, and we start simply- perfume (bought it), bath oils, massage oils, etc. She moved on to a product called Bosom Buddy, and encouraged each of us in turn to go in the bathroom and try it. WOW! I highly recommend it. Next was some sort of self-heating lotion; tasted awful, and was so gooey it would take a month of washings to get it out of your sheets (not recommended).

In between passing things around, we giggled like thirteen year olds as we eagerly looked at the "toys" waiting on the coffee table. I asked if it was like Baskin Robbins, and you could sample everything...she smiled politely (probably heard that a million times). More flavored lotions and creams were passed around- she even had tiny penises (I'll avoid the comparison to my ex) that were used to scoop the creams up, so you could take them in the bathroom and try them. Again, WOW! I'm thinking, maybe using some of this stuff before school would make me a much nicer person!

Finally, she moved on to the toys... brightly-colored phallic things, many with strange bumps and ridges. Several had something that looked like a rabbit sticking out the top. These things were incredible (although a little smallish). It was hysterical to watch Jane's face as each new device was brought out, discussed, and passed around. At first, she was embarassed to even touch them, but by the end of the night, she was looking like an eager puppy.

Finally, catalogs were given to each of us, and we were allowed to fill out order forms, which we then gave to the distributor in private. She was so cool, that it wasn't the least bit uncomfortable- I personally think that once you know what type of sex toys a person uses, it can make for some awkward conversations. But she was great, and gave me her card; I'll probably put her on speed dial once I'm getting paid again!

All in all, I had a terrific time! And, sure, I shouldn't have spent that much money, but what would I have done with it otherwise? Food? Fuck it- I've lost a lot of weight because it's too hot to eat. Electricity? Nah, they'll take a minimum payment. Other bills? Shit, life is too short, and someday, I'll be too old and ugly to even hope to have sex again, and when that day comes, the bills will still be there; I'll worry more about them at that time.

If any of you decide to contact their website and host a party, the hostess gets really cool gifts ;) Sweet dreams, all!

Stuff About Her Royal Highness

Two posts in one day- Tsarina needs to find a hobby!
I wandered to Nobius' place and stole this:

The 5 Right Now Meme.
5 things you feel right now:
Relaxed
Lazy
Sweaty
Better about my appearance
Goofy

Last 5 things you bought:
ice cream cone...mmmmm
pizza
gas- ugh, don't remind me
cheap wine (shut up, JD)
a song on Napster, which is an evil empire

5 objects of lust:
DEE BROWN
1967 yellow Mustang convertible
a new pair of Chuck Taylors, especially these or these
any man who can dance
did I mention Dee Brown?


5 things in your pockets or purse:
maxed out credit cards
$3.00 purple shades with rhinestones
lip gloss
a key that I can't remember what it's to, but am afraid to throw it out
various notes to myself that I can never find when I need them

5 things you collect:
most of this stuff, I never intended to collect, but people found out I liked something and kept buying me crap:
turtles- not real ones, but I used to have one that I loved
gnomes
old National Geographic Magazines...I have thousands...thousands *sob*
maps/globes (I do intentionally collect these things)
cookie jars (ditto)


5 true statements you can make that most people can't:
I once drank 8 shots of Wild Turkey within two hours and didn't barf or die (and won the bet, making me 50 dollars richer)
I would like to die by drowning; preferably in the ocean, where I can become part of the life cycle, instead of being put in a box to mold and take up space.
On the death note: If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't regret anything.
As a 3 or 4 year-old, I started telling my mom stories about my "other mom" and my life before I joined her family. It freaked her out.
I've never thought I couldn't do something. I always knew that I would have to work harder to accomplish some things, but I always thought I was capable of doing anything.

Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life...

For any of you who remember "Young Frankenstein", you should understand the title! Yes, friends, I finally found Mr.Right Now... *enormous smile*

I really want to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory- N wants me to call her today and go...hmmm...I'm not sure I want to see it that badly.

Sunday or Monday I'm going to blog about my big experience tomorrow night... I'm going to an "Adult Toy" party with my friends. I've never been to one, and I'm thinking it might be a little strange, but you know I'm all about new experiences. I'm putting that in the "weird stuff I have done" category.

We had a faculty meeting yesterday... department head was PISSED OFF that I had planned Science Challenge Night. She demanded to know why she wasn't consulted, and informed me that if I were trying to take her job, I would fail because I'm non-tenured (why the fuck would I want her job?) She complained to the Principal (have I mentioned that I would take a bullet for him?). He told her, "Ms. Tsarina is not like many people (looking directly at her) who NEED to take credit for things. She is doing this because she believes it will be beneficial for our kids. I approved this, and I think it's a wonderful idea; I assume that as department head, you will assist her with funding and in anything else she needs." She assurred him that she would, but stressed that she was just concerned because I had not gone through the "proper channels", and didn't want it to reflect badly on me. He smiled politely, and said, "She came to me. It's my building. Therefore, she did follow proper procedure". And he walked away. I love him! Ass principal and Nina had gone to a really great geology conference in AZ. Dept. Head apparently told him that Ann and I told her we didn't want to go... she never mentioned it to us. So, we both made a point of asking him questions about it and just casually said we wished we'd known about it... Even he was a little pissed at dept. head. *Innocent smile*

Ok, I have to go get some groceries- I'm sick to death of Ramen noodles.

See you soon...*still smiling*

Cause for Celebration!!!

Good morning, boys and girls! Yes, I know it's almost 3pm, but I just got up. If you're wondering why, let me tell you- Tsarina can still hang, but it takes her a lot longer to get over it! Went out Sunday night (and afternoon) with my girls, and had more fun than we've had in ages. Sang karaoke, danced lewdly, drank enough jello shots to tranquilize an elephant, grabbed a couple of middle-aged men's asses just to see them smile, and if I remember correctly, I gave lessons in flashing from a convertible to the most naive member of our group, Jane (I've always loved being the bad influence)!

In fact, any of you who visited early Monday, would have known that I was guilty of BUI (blogging under the influence). I did manage to take the long, rambling post down yesterday.

Ok boys and girls, here's the main reason we were celebrating (well, one of them)...OUR TEST SCORES WENT UP!!!! Not just a point or two, but UP! For those of you not worried that the government is going to take your job, this will be boring, but screw you, it's my blog. You see, our subgroups (African American students and students receiving special ed services) have not been succeeding on the same level as white students (after meeting some of the older teachers in my district, I can see exactly where the problems are). Last year (03-04), special ed met or exceeded the standards at a rate of 2.8% (be horrified, I certainly was). This year? Drumroll please... 27%!!! That's right, in one year. Across the board, reading scores improved, not enough to make AYP, but enough to encourage all of us that we're doing the right thing. Math scores? Well, I'm sorry to say they stayed the same. I attribute that to the fact that (except for Amy) all of our math teachers are cut from the same mold- OLD SCHOOL. 'Sit in your seat and listen to me lecture'. On the bright side, though, our hated rival across town (MF), who think they are so much better because we have the ghetto kids...scores down. Not just a little, but WAAAAAYYY down! Maybe they'll focus on their kids and less on us now.

So, one of my friends is working on a theory that the amount of alcohol consumed by the teachers actually improves the scores of the students, therefore the district should start paying our bar tab. As she puts it, "What's the only difference in the school between last year and this year? Us. And what's different about us than the teachers who've been here in the past? We're all a bunch of raging alcoholics!" She's working on a graph to give to the principal (he'll laugh, but we won't show it to the Ass). We are having t-shirts made with the following on them, although I don't know where we'll wear them- as a teacher, you have to be VERY careful of how you present yourself. (The bars we frequent are a little more upscale than our kids' families hang out at, and a little lowbrow for our administration).

Have a great day!

The Apocolypse Will Begin in WalMart...In Aisle 9

Today I had to do two things that are guaranteed to put me in a bad mood: I had to see my mom and I had to go to WalMart. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but being around her drives me nuts. She has absolutely no social skills and insists on saying and doing the most inappropriate things. As for WalMart- well, it is one of my life's necessary evils. After standing in the line for twenty minutes, I couldn't decide which was more annoying; listening to the seemingly endless conversations that the cashier had with everyone ahead of me, or the fact that she refused to even acknowledge my presence.

This steady level of annoyance led me to begin thinking about other things that piss me off (and there are a lot). While most people who know me would tell you that I'm pretty optimistic and don't get really mad about little stuff, they just don't realize because I force myself to let it go. Since this is my blog, and almost noone reads it anyway, I'm going to list some of my biggest pet peeves (in no particular order)

People who insist on carrying on high-decibal cell phone calls in public- Noone gives a fuck that someone is willing to talk to you

Men who insist on flirting and acting single when they have a wife/girlfriend at home- you're willing to risk your girlfriend going Jerry Springer on my unsuspecting ass so you can get a thrill? Asshole.

Women who insist on flirting and acting single when they have a husband/boyfriend at home- don't be so fucking greedy, bitch, leave something for the rest of us

Anyone who, in conversation, whispers the words "black, Mexican, homosexual, etc..." - Trust me, dumbass, the person you are discussing knows that he/she is any of the above, and you're not going to give them a heart attack

Anyone under the influence of anything who insists on calling me on the phone or carrying on extensive conversations with me when I am not under the influence- you suck butt

My dad- 'nuff said

People who use the phrase, "how do you like them apples"?- It's just dumb

Men who pretend to know what's happening under the hood of your car by saying, "It's your alternator". - I once had car trouble, five guys all stood and told me it was the alternator. I kept explaining to them that the engine was turning over ok, but was apparently not getting fuel, so it was probably the fuel pump. They laughed like I was stupid...it was the fuel pump...fuckers

Anyone who believes that other people who have unfortunate circumstances deserve their fate- if everyone got what they deserved in life, little kids would all live like royalty, and the rest of us would have a cardboard box and a tin cup

Ok, I'm feeling better now that I've vented a little of the pent- up hostility boiling inside! I think I'll go do my nails and relax a little. Have a great weekend.

Piss and Moan

How have I managed to turn into a slug in such a short period of time? I allowed myself to sleep a lot for the first couple of weeks of vacation, because I thought I deserved it. However, here I am, halfway through summer, and still NOTHING is done. The house is still a mess, and unpainted, my curriculum still isn't done, I have started doing these things, but I seem to wander off and forget what I'm doing. I called my old doctor to see if they'd renew my old prescription for my anti-anxiety meds, because they help me focus. No go. They did have a note in my file from my dr. who left that if I came back requesting them, she recommended ADHD meds (ME, now why would she think that?) Anyway, I have to actually go back and see them, which will require cash that I don't have right now. Insurance is nice for getting pills cheap, but I have to pay the dr. myself until the deductable is met.

I keep getting emails from students who just want to talk about their summer and ask about mine. It's all nice and everything, but the kids I keep hearing from are not the kids I'm really worried about. How is James? Did he go to basketball camp? Is he avoiding his cousins and the Vice Lords? What about Marcus? Is he staying out of trouble? Did Cruz have to go to jail for the burglary charge? Are they all ok? There have been a lot of shootings in their neighborhoods this summer. I did see one of James' little brothers the other day out mowing their yard, but I was in traffic, so just honked and waved. I miss them all.

I did go work in my new classroom last week, and I'll go back next week. It should be really great- I have outside windows! Two of them! Sure, they look over a parking lot, and with the smell, you can't really open them, but it's natural sunlight!!! I've also been working on plans for our science challenge night this year. Our bitch-ass department head would never give me the ok on it last year (because she only wants to do stuff that she can take credit for). So, I went to the principal (the good one), and told him my ideas- he LOVES it. He told me that the science department will pay for all of the materials. This will really piss dept. head off, because we think she has used all of the money for her own purposes: she won't even give us 100 dollars each for binders for our classes. So, it should get good when I have to tell him that she won't fork over the cash.

Ok, I'm going to take my lazy ass to bed and try to sleep early. Have a great weekend!

Was That the Meth Lab Exploding, or Is It the Fourth of July?

At some point, our society has interfered with Darwinism, and it's really pissing me off. Those meth addicted skinheads down the road from me should have been dead about six times over in the past month, but NOOOOOOO, that's why we have medical professionals, to fix them up so they can come back for another round of stupid human tricks.

This latest one shocks even me, and I grew up with some of the kings of stupidity in my family. Let me set the stage if I may:

We last had rain around May 1st...1976 (or so it seems)
The heat index has hovered around 400 degrees for several weeks (note to my special friends: the extra heat evaporates moisture that would normally be in the ground, keeping the grass, trees, and plants moist)

So, as all patriotic Americans are legally obliged to do, the morons decide to celebrate our nation's birth with gunpowder and fire. Now, maybe those pussy Canadians would wet the ground first, or have a fire extinguisher on hand, but we're Americans. We don't need no stinking safety precautions. The stupid motherfuckers have been at it for two days (except for the brief time around 5 am when firefighters were called to put out a small blaze on their shed roof). Did that deter them from their God-given right to blow shit up? HELL NO...they just decide to light the shit off in the road...by MY FUCKING HOUSE.

Tsarina can be very diplomatic when required. I weighed my options- one sleep deprived high strung teacher VS twelve large, twitchy, extremely high strung meth addicts with swasticka tattoos. I chose to start with a neighborly smile. No response. "Hey guys, looks like you're enjoying your weekend off, eh?" Oh, shit, do they work? Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. "Um, say guys, would you mind shooting those off a little farther from my house? I don't wanna spoil your fun or anything, but it's a little dry, and well, it's an old house, you know"nervous laugh...please say something... "You live there"? Duh, you stupid motherfucker; I've been here for two years. I nod. "Damn, baby, I thought that place was empty- you need to do some work on it". Laughter all around. Some fucking nerve- your house gives tarpaper shacks a bad name... I smile. "Well, anyway, if you'd just move back a little ways, I'd appreciate it, thanks". Something crude is said as I walk away- I didn't hear it, but I heard the laughter.

So, the speed freaks moved about ten yards back... four bottle rockets have hit my house so far. I'm mad at my ex right now for convincing me to move out here, then leaving when the first house payment was due. I'm mad at myself for not speaking up more when we were househunting, and not getting out from under it when he left. But, mostly I'm mad at the paramedics who come out monthly to patch up whatever stupid shit my neighbors have done to themselves, thereby allowing them to reproduce at an alarming rate.


*Sigh* The only thing to really brighten my day has been working on a desktop theme with Dee. Oh, STFU- don't tell me you don't have some secret, dirty little fantasy life too! Anyway, have a happy 4th, and if you decide to burn shit, STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.

The Long Hot Summer

I am a woman who is easily obsessed. Welcome to my new obsession, Dee Brown. I am ashamed of this obsession for two reasons...one- he is probably only a few years older than my students, and two- he plays for the UofI. *Sigh* at least something good has finally come from there!

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I can't get these to enlarge, so just google him- it's worth the time! I truly believe that this is the best looking man who has ever walked the face of the earth- I wish I'd paid more attention during their season, but I've always had a personal, deep-seated hatred of the UofI (don't ask, it's childish and petty). The worst part is that Bill was going to take our boys basketball team over to watch them practice, but couldn't get in because of the press. I'd (reluctantly) told him that I'd go to help keep the kids under control...don't tell me that someone upstairs doesn't have a cruel sense of humor.

Ah, well, I think I need to go shower...again. Have a great weekend.