Tsarina's World

The musings, rants, and general complaints of a schoolteacher in the MidWest. I have no real social life, which sucks for me personally, but makes my dog happy- he is the center of my universe! Come on in, take your shoes off and stay a while... who wants pie and coffee?

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Tsarina Goes to a Smut Party

First of all, I must acknowledge Jam Daddy's "dipsomaniac" comment on the last post. I'll admit, I had to look it up, and maybe you would have gotten a rise out of me a few days ago. However, a couple of things have changed: 1- I had sex recently, and 2- I have seen the promised land, and it's name is Slumber Parties. I spent next month's entire power bill on "accessories". Unfortunately, most of the stuff had to be ordered, which is why I'm talking to you instead of revelling in my own filth.

Let me begin with my trip to the party...*cue picture fade-out and weird music*

It's called a 'slumber party', so you're told to come in your pj's. I had on my favorite PowerPuff Girls sleep pants and a t-shirt with Buttercup on it. I was traveling above the speed limit, as the car has no air, and moving faster makes the humidity feel more bearable. When I saw red lights in my rearview mirror, I muttered some unkind words and pulled over. I was especially concerned because I've lost my insurance card- AGAIN. I've had my poor insurance guy replace it like 3 times in the past 4 months. As the trooper walked up, he asked for my license and insurance. I handed the license and waited. He asked me where I was going to in such a hurry. *Devil on shoulder..."Tell him, tell him" Angel on shoulder..."Make up something accepta...OOF" Devil kicked his ass. I smiled sweetly and said loud and clear, "Sex toy party". Let me just say, he was not expecting that answer. His jaw dropped and he stared for a full thirty seconds. He handed my license to me and said, "Have a good night". I swear to God-- he let me go; a state fucking trooper!!!!!

I finally get to the party, and find most of my co-workers there, all dressed more or less like myself (Betty Boop, Tweety Bird, etc). We giggled and ate, impatiently waiting the distributor. The Margaritas came out, and went down smoothly. The tension built. Finally, this sweet, 30ish mother of 3 comes in with 3 Rubbermaid tubs full of display merchandise, and begins to set up. We're all giddy with excitement. She introduces herself, and we start simply- perfume (bought it), bath oils, massage oils, etc. She moved on to a product called Bosom Buddy, and encouraged each of us in turn to go in the bathroom and try it. WOW! I highly recommend it. Next was some sort of self-heating lotion; tasted awful, and was so gooey it would take a month of washings to get it out of your sheets (not recommended).

In between passing things around, we giggled like thirteen year olds as we eagerly looked at the "toys" waiting on the coffee table. I asked if it was like Baskin Robbins, and you could sample everything...she smiled politely (probably heard that a million times). More flavored lotions and creams were passed around- she even had tiny penises (I'll avoid the comparison to my ex) that were used to scoop the creams up, so you could take them in the bathroom and try them. Again, WOW! I'm thinking, maybe using some of this stuff before school would make me a much nicer person!

Finally, she moved on to the toys... brightly-colored phallic things, many with strange bumps and ridges. Several had something that looked like a rabbit sticking out the top. These things were incredible (although a little smallish). It was hysterical to watch Jane's face as each new device was brought out, discussed, and passed around. At first, she was embarassed to even touch them, but by the end of the night, she was looking like an eager puppy.

Finally, catalogs were given to each of us, and we were allowed to fill out order forms, which we then gave to the distributor in private. She was so cool, that it wasn't the least bit uncomfortable- I personally think that once you know what type of sex toys a person uses, it can make for some awkward conversations. But she was great, and gave me her card; I'll probably put her on speed dial once I'm getting paid again!

All in all, I had a terrific time! And, sure, I shouldn't have spent that much money, but what would I have done with it otherwise? Food? Fuck it- I've lost a lot of weight because it's too hot to eat. Electricity? Nah, they'll take a minimum payment. Other bills? Shit, life is too short, and someday, I'll be too old and ugly to even hope to have sex again, and when that day comes, the bills will still be there; I'll worry more about them at that time.

If any of you decide to contact their website and host a party, the hostess gets really cool gifts ;) Sweet dreams, all!

11 Comments:

  • At 3:56 PM, Blogger JamDaddy said…

    Sounds like a wonderful time. You actually had sex? Did the guy survive?

    Wonder what the cop thought? No wonder the poor girl is speeding. You must have had a look of desperation on your face, just gotta have it tonight.

    Sounds like Tsarina had royal court with the courtesan woman. I could not imagine going to the bathroom to try something and then coming out again without a red face. The looks on someone’s face would make for a Kodak moment.

    You are becoming a lady of many skills (the classroom, in the bottle and bedroom), soon I will have to drop the single word game.

    Coquette

     
  • At 9:11 PM, Blogger Tsarina said…

    He did, thank you for your concern.

    I wonder if he was scared that I was going to pull some awful contraption out and begin using it right there?

    Have I mentioned; it's pretty hard to embarass me. Besides, the stuff I tried was sooooo cool- I couldn't help but smile! There were a couple of cameras flashing! I'd call you something, but to be honest, it's too hot to type any more! Enjoy being 3 people this week!

     
  • At 12:32 AM, Blogger JamDaddy said…

    I don't know if you are just hot waiting for the toys or the temprature is peaking. Care to explain?

    My boss is a lady and so is the manager I am filling in for. I figure since two of the three people I am standing in for are women I need a skirt. None of Nancy's fit, what to do?

    Is it normal for the hair on my legs to poke through my stockings?

     
  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger Tsarina said…

    The temperature is 97 degrees with about 90% humidity...it was only slightly cooler at 8 am. Illinois sucks in summer.

    I would suggest finding a transvestite and asking him/her where to purchase a skirt! And, I couldn't offer much advice about hair in your stockings- I don't wear them. Maybe you should wax your legs & bikini area ;) *evil laugh*

     
  • At 12:48 AM, Blogger Sandi said…

    Love the "idea" behind the party! I may have to host one myself. Keep smiling (wink, wink!)

     
  • At 4:04 PM, Blogger Derek said…

    weird.. haha

    sounds fun..

     
  • At 9:24 PM, Blogger Inanna said…

    Good thing you got stopped instead of me in my PJs... since I sleep in the buff. :) sounds like a great time, wish I coulda been there!!!

     
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