You CAN go home again...if You're an Idiot

My great aunt's memorial service was today. It was held in the town where I grew up; I'll call it Hell. It occurred to me yesterday that because her daughter was in my class at school (and she was pretty popular), I would be seeing some of my classmates at the service. Well, as I was the complete opposite of popular, this realization caused me some stress. I dealt with it like the mature professional that I am: I got extremely drunk. Not "dancing on the table drunk", but well on my way toward that. I believe that somewhere around ts 3 (tequila shot 3), I decided I was just going to stay out all night and go to the funeral in my bar clothes. Fortunately, I reconsidered this idea.

I did have the foresight to take some Alleve before I went to bed, so at least my head didn't hurt like everything else. Alarm goes off, hand hits snooze. I pry one eye open and look around- my own bed, always a good omen. There didn't seem to be anyone I didn't recognize next to me- things are looking up. After a shower and some coffee, I was feeling almost human again, and got ready to go. The service was to start at 11, so I left at 10: plenty of time. Well, I forgot to take into account the fact that our dumbass governor has approved six gazillion road construction projects, so I pulled into the church parking lot at 10:59.

The first thing that struck me was that the minister looks EXACTLY like the actor, Edward Norton...exactly. I didn't recognize anyone, and was feeling pretty good, when a woman approached the podium to say a few words. She began talking about the dearly departed, and I kept thinking there was something familiar about her. Suddenly it struck me...Rita Walters. Fuck me with a chainsaw- of all the people I didn't want to see ever again in my life, Rita would definitely make the top five. In spite of being ugly and not exceptionally bright, Rita was a cheerleader and graduated in the top 3 of our class. She was always unusually nasty to me. Looking back, I have no doubt that she felt insecure, because she knew that I was much smarter than her and if I'd chosen to apply myself, I would have blown her top 3 spot.

After Rita, two other bitc..er women spoke; each brought the same reaction from my intestines. I felt the knot forming in my stomach that was my constant companion throughout my entire life in Hell. Suddenly, I wasn't a competent, intelligent adult with a successful career and a life that brings me much joy. Instead, I was 16 again; I felt insecure and awkward, like nothing about me was good enough to measure up to them. They all had money, they all had 'perfect' (or at least fairly normal) families, they dressed well and only had jobs to give them money for fun stuff. Even today, they were all expensively-dressed and carried themselves like women who are used to getting everything they want.

These were the 3 ringleaders whose soul purpose in life was to torture me. I never let them see how much they hurt me- usually my only response was something akin to "fuck you, you inbred gutterslut" (yes, I DO have a way with words, thankyou). My senior year was the worst of my life- my friends were all older, so I was stuck for 7 hours a day with these cun...er girls. I still wonder what exactly I did to make them hate me- this wasn't just bitchy girl stuff; this was actual hatred. I never dated their boyfriends, beat them in any sort of election or sport, in fact, I tried to maintain a presence slightly under everyone's radar. While they were planning dances and parties, I was working 30 hours a week. While they were sending out college applications, I was listening to the counselor tell me that I shouldn't worry about college, because I would just end up pregnant and on welfare like my sister anyway (but, if I'd let him feel my tits, he'd help me fill out an application anyway...I figured out how to fill it out myself).

It seems ridiculous to me that seeing them again has brought back feelings that I haven't felt in years. A long time ago, I made the decision to put that part of my life behind me and not dwell on it. I rarely think about them; I instinctively threw away my class reuinion invitation without giving any of them a second thought. So why is it that these women, who have (hopefully) matured and changed can make me feel so inadequate? I couldn't bring myself to stay for the luncheon: I made some excuse and left so as not to have to talk with them. My hands shook as I put the key in the ignition and got out of the parking lot as fast as I could.

There was a whole group of kids (25 in a class of 62) who took great pleasure in my pain, but these 3 and one guy were the worst. I don't have bad feelings about him because of an incident that occurred about 5 years after graduation. I saw him at a bar one night and he asked me to talk with him for a minute. Reluctantly, I sat down, and he began one of the most heartfelt apologies that I have ever heard. He told me he was teaching near Chicago, and after being around his students, he understood what a horrible bastard he had been. He said that he knew he didn't deserve my forgiveness, but he wanted me to know that when he saw things like that happening, he told his students how awful he feels about what he did. When I looked at him, I knew he was being truthful, and I felt such a relief in my heart. I hugged him and told him that I did forgive him, and I thanked him. Two words made such a huge difference.

My mom said they asked about me at lunch. Maybe they wanted to apologize too, but I don't think so. Something about the way they looked me up and down as I walked past, then gave me that smile...you know, the smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes, so it looks hollow. I realize I should try to find compassion for them...I should. I'm just not the person I want to be, because I just can't feel that. It was about 6 years after I left Hell that I finally got rid of the knot in my stomach: I was there for 1 hour and it's back.

One of my friends has a sign in her class that says, "People will forget what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel". I guess that sums up my day.