Most of My Co-Workers Suck Ass

One of the traits I admire most in people is compassion. Something that constantly amazes me is the limited capacity for compassion that so many people have. The lit teacher on our team (I'll call her Crusty) is one of those people. Let me begin by telling you that she was raised in a very upper-middle class home, with her parents happily married and employed in white collar jobs. She grew up in an upscale suburb, attended church weekly, and her parents bought her a new car when she turned 16. She is now married to a man who farms and has inherited A LOT of money, and they have a lovely 14 month old son. I believe that this is a wonderful background, and that someone who comes from this setting should be able to see how blessed they are and want others to have the same, right? Apparently not. On several occasions, I've been irritated by her lack of understanding for the culture most of our kids come from. I usually keep my mouth shut and pray that she will open her heart. Yesterday, she pushed me past my limit. She was asking when Marcus would be coming back, that he had had more than enough time to "get over it". I was shocked, and asked her to repeat it. She stated that "He's probably just sitting around the house watching TV. He needs to be in class".

I was shocked- first he gets his girlfriend pregnant, then she has an abortion...HE'S 14... that's a lot for a grown man to deal with. I've also heard rumors that he's hospitalized right now, although I do not have confirmation. I tried again, "How can you say that? He's always been a good student, not someone to shirk his work- obviously something is really wrong". She again insisted that he should be back in school. I tried to explain that not everyone has been taught the coping skills that she has, and it does take some people longer to deal with trauma than others. She again insisted he was just being lazy. I tried to talk, and she cut me off (this is a habit of hers). I gathered my papers and left, saying over my shoulder, "I don't feel that it's my place to judge someone else's pain, and I refuse to listen to others do it". I was so angry that my voice shook. The stupid bitch that I hate was in complete agreement with her, and I wanted to kick the shit out of both of them. The other two teachers were trying to stay out of it. Crusty was already on my nerves for the following:

One of the girls on our team has filed sexual harassment charges on C. She claims he was smacking her ass. Let me tell you- she is straight out of parochial school, and has a really superior attitude to everyone. She can't figure me out, and is continuously trying to crawl up my ass. She is the ultimate teacher's pet- you know, the type of kid that I could do without. She reminds me very much of Rev. Lovejoy's wife on the Simpsons- very "holier than thou". She has been telling me that C is cursing behind my back, which may or may not be true. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass- the kid has more serious problems. The counselor that I like was asked to mediate, and after he talked to C, he talked with me. He said C told him that I could attest that he avoids the girl (he does), but that for whatever reason, C thought I believed her over him. Now, when she told me, I did send her to talk to someone in the office- that is my legal obligation. However, at the time, I doubted her story. Without going into the whole thing- she has been desperately trying to push C out of my good graces. When we were discussing this, Crusty said she hoped that they would expel C. I said, "we don't know for a fact that it's true...innocent until proven guilty, right?" She said that she didn't believe that the girl would ever lie because she is a good Christian. I asked why her religion should matter, and did we know for a fact that C was not a 'good Christian'. She laughed like I was an idiot. What it boils down to is that C is more difficult, so she doesn't want him in her class. I really wish I could just wait for her after school and settle this the way our kids would...maybe if she lived in their world for a few minutes, she would get a whole new perspective on things. So many people are lucky that they didn't meet me when I was 19... I would have kicked her ass without even thinking twice. Now, I'm left meditating for her to find compassion.

May we all find peace- have a great weekend!

Returning to the Living

I get up every day at 4:30. I leave home an hour later, and spend another hour on the road. I arrive at school at 6:30 and start preparing for the day. There are suspension lists to check and get work together for my angels who've made mistakes, memos to read (lots and lots of memos to read), usually I find one or more of the counselors to talk about particular students (btw, I DO know which counselor each of my students prefers to see). Then I can race through preparations in setting up for that day- labs take forever to set up, demonstrations require less time, but still must be ready. I make sure there is paper and other supplies for students who won't have any. Often, I go to the computer lab to look up extra information. If I have to make copies, I try to do them at night, because there is only one copier working, and it is on its last legs, so I don't want any surprises. At 7:30, the galleria fills with students eating breakfast, and I'm expected to monitor. Often there are fights, or near-fights (nearly always girls). When the bell rings twenty minutes later, I stand in the doorway to the hallway, greeting my students as they come for homeroom. Homeroom is dedicated to character education, and I work very hard to select activities and discussion topics that are relevant and interesting. The rest of the day, I teach science. Everything in my class is geared around cooperative learning and hands-on activities, meaning that I don't sit down. On my planning period, I go to the in-school suspension room and talk with my angels who are visiting there- offering encouragement and sometimes a stern lecture. I've begun talking with several seventh graders as well, as I have become sort of the Pied Piper of the unruly masses- they follow me devotedly. School is over at 2:30, and I finish up a few loose ends, leaving between 3:30-5:30 to drive an hour home.

I do all of this happily for my 26 grand a year. As I've mentioned, it's not about the money to me (although I may start tutoring for an outside company to pick up extra cash). So, when I have to listen to some flipping moron on the radio say that the problem with young people today is that teachers don't care any more, I tend to get upset. I tend to do things like call the radio station from my car and detail the day I had. I feel the need to share the experience of crying because two of your students are now in jail. I feel compelled to share stories about being an "uncaring" teacher who calls home to discuss student progress (both positive and negative), and have parents answer who are too high to hold a conversation. I must also mention the fact that if the stupid dj really cared about helping young people, he would stop looking for someone to place the blame on, and start trying to help solve the problems. I discuss these and many other topics in a patient, calm manner, while inside I'm wanting to drive to the station, pull his lazy ass out of the chair and put the beatdown on him. Of course, none of this got through to him, and he simply said, "well, you chose that job; now you need to fix the problems...it's not my job". I was disenhartened until I heard other callers begin flooding the airwaves, supporting my point of view. To those of you who understand that it takes a village, THANK YOU.

To those of you who care about my kids- T. was taken into custody early. He broke his probation (probably failed a drug test, but I don't know). I never got to say goodbye. Darin is back in jail for breaking and entering. Marcus is no longer going to be a father- the girl had an abortion. He's not taking it well- been gone for a week. C is fluctuating wildly between irrational, aggressive outbursts and funny, sweet bids for attention. I can't even go into all we've been through in the past week. My bright spot, James is still doing well. I thank God for that every day. He is the thought that gives me hope. He is not as quick to catch on as the other kids, and has such limited life experiences that it's hard to explain things to him. But he's trying. And I believe that as long as he is willing to keep trying, I have to keep getting up at 4:30 and doing my best.

My Grandma's Last Gift

My grandma passed away two nights ago. I felt the hugest weight lifted from my shoulders. The night before, she had come to me in a dream and seen me crying. She told me not to be sad that she was leaving, and I explained that I was not sad, because I knew it was time for her to move on. I explained my worries about James, T, Andrew, and Darin. She understood my pain, as she always had a soft spot for the boys in our family. She promised me that she would do what she could once she finally crossed over. She hugged me and left.

Today, I referred James to the counselor whom I really like- he's very compassionate and caring. When James came to class, he seemed more like himself. He came in at lunch to make up a quiz, which he had totally blanked on at the time. I had him tell me the answers first, before he wrote them down. He explained things, and when he wasn't sure how to make the leap of thought from the question to the answer, I tried to guide him. He worked really hard the whole lunch period, and will get a high B on it. When he had finished, I told him (and it's true) that he knew the information, he just needed more confidence in himself to state it as the answer. He smiled and thanked me for my help. Then he hugged me and told me that this year was the best year of his life. After school, Bill talked with him for a long time, and allowed him to rejoin the basketball team! You have never seen a kid so filled with joy as he was when he came in to tell me. I know where this gift came from, and I thank you, Grandma. May you bring the love that you shared with me into your next life.

Backsliding

I love my kids. I don't think that anyone who knows me would doubt that. So why, then do I feel like I'm failing them right and left? I am constantly running, just trying to keep up, and I'm losing ground fast.

James is off the basketball team. He had his first absence this year (unexcused). Something's been troubling him since Christmas break, but he won't talk. I am absolutely terrified that he's sinking into old patterns. Most of our kids have very poor coping skills when they are frustrated or when they fail. He had one bad game, and stopped coming to practices. I completely understand Bill's cutting him. I wanted to talk with him today, and try to discuss how to recover from mistakes, learn from them and grow stronger as a person. I wanted to help him work out some goals and plan ways to achieve them. I wanted to...but he wasn't there. I will be gone tomorrow. I left a letter for him, asking him to help the sub. and telling him that I'm still proud of him, even though he made a mistake. I do not want to attend this conference tomorrow. I want to know that he is ok.

T was at school, but obviously stoned. I understand- if I were going to jail, I wouldn't worry about failing my drug tests...what more can they do to him? I mean, you and I know they can add more time on his sentence, but my kids have no real sense of time. Jail is jail, you go when they tell you, you leave when they tell you...they don't see that they have any control over anything. That's part of why violence is such a powerful attraction for many of them- the idea of control over others is enticing. I will miss him when he's gone- I missed him today, and just let him sit in his own little fog; I couldn't bear to watch him.

C exploded on me in homeroom. I worked to get him moved into my homeroom because he had so many problems in his original one. He is probably bipolar, judging from the mood swings and the rapid changes between them. He's exhibited this behavior to everyone else, but I'd never experienced it, and would prefer not to do so again. I referred him to the counselor, rather than send him to the Ass principal, who would just suspend him, and not address whatever underlying problem was bothering him. It must have worked, because he was fine in last hour. I know I shouldn't take it personally; they're 14 for crying out loud, but sometimes I do.

Darin is back, temporarily. Apparently some group is looking into his case, and at least got him released until his trial. Still no word as to whether he is an adult or a juvenile. He hugged me when he came in, same smile, same "I missed you"...same Darin. So what was different at that one moment in time when he decided to alter the course of his life? Where was this sweet, loving child then? Everyone else was complaining about his behavior at the end of the day- again, I had no problems.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea- not all of my students love me. Honestly, the "honor students" drive me nuts. Their constant sucking up and attempts to prove themselves superior leave a bad taste in my mouth. Given the choice, I would take classes full of "challenging" students over them any day, and I'm sure many of them would prefer not to be in my class. I don't know what it is that makes the "challenging" kids like me, or me them. I can understand them better. Their motivations are pretty clear- there's no bullshit with them; either they like you or they don't, and they don't try to hide it behind insincere flattery. Oftentimes, they are more appreciative of everything, and they are genuinely touched when you go out of your way for them. They are also much more unpredictable. Their reactions can be scary in their intensity- both happy and angry. I think that many of them have never been taught how to show their emotions in an appropriate manner, so they are unaware of how they come across.

I don't know what I'm looking for with this post- release, mostly. Release from the gnawing fear for them that increases with every day. Release from the incredible guilt I feel when I fail to help one of them succeed. Release from the nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm not smart enough or good enough to really make a difference to any of them. I don't really know the answers, but I guess I'll just keep pushing through this tunnel- there's got to be a light somewhere. Thanks for listening.

The Teacher is a Dork

I am hoping that my last few posts have not given anyone the wrong idea about my kids. They are not out of control maniacs. I do not have one student that I would be afraid to share a dark alley with (there are about four in the school that I feel differently about, but we're talking about MINE here). Most of the time, my job is so much fun, I can't believe that I get paid to do it. I've decided that from time to time, I'm going to profile a student who has done something to make me really proud- I always remind myself to focus on the positive. So, first I will share a couple of funny stories, one of which actually made me blush, which rarely happens.

Let me begin by telling you that my classroom is always cold. Summer, winter, in-between, whatever- it averages 62 degrees F. Thursday, I was discussing important science skills with my 7th hour. This class is probably the rowdiest (but most fun) class of the day. I'm worn down by this time, so they get by with more than most classes. As we were discussing the use of observation, I asked C what was something he could observe in our room. He said he could tell that I was cold. I said "That's right! You noticed that I'm shivering and rubbing my arms- that's great". He smiled and the bell rang. As he walked out, he whispered to me, "That's not how I could tell you're cold", and looked at my chest. Yup, that's right, folks, the girls were on high beam! Thank God for the bell- I don't recall ever being so embarassed in front of my class before. Now, to his credit, he WAS using his power of observation! And, it's a big improvement in his behavior that he didn't just bellow it out in front of everyone! *Note to self...start buttoning cardigans all the way up*

A few weeks ago, the kids were working on an earthquake project. We were in the computer lab, and they were searching for information and graphics. One of the girls was searching for an image showing the causes of earthquakes. I guided her to a search engine that I like because it has a filter, and it usually pulls up good information. So she types in "earthquake causes", hits images, and VOILA! The very first picture is taken from the foot of a bed, looking at the asses of two morbidly obese people (like 400 + lbs. each) having sex. She sat with her mouth open (I'm sure she'll be needing counseling at some point to remove that image from her head). And what, you may ask, did her mature, enlightened teacher do? I began to laugh uncontrollably. I was able to tell her to close out, but I proceeded to laugh so hard that tears rolled down my face. After a few moments, she began to laugh too, and for days afterward, every time we looked at each other, we'd begin giggling again. Of course, on lunch, I had to write down the search engine and topic typed in for all of the teachers, who raced to the computer lab to view it (it's good to know that I'm not the only immature perv teaching your kids, eh?)

Ok, let me tell you about Lisa. She's in my homeroom, but I've never been able to get a real sense of who she is. She's a big girl, maybe 5'11" and rather heavy, so I'm sure she's a little self-conscious. She's one of those quiet students who you can easily overlook. She always does her work without questions, she'll answer if you call on her, but rarely volunteers. *This is why my class journals are not always about science topics, but often about the students themselves, so I can get to know them better*. After Christmas, I asked them to write what they had done over break. The other kids talked about seeing family, sleeping in, and playing video games. Lisa wrote a very beautiful account about how she, her mom, and her sister worked at the homeless shelter. They put together treat bags for the kids, and then went back on Christmas day and helped clean up the dinner mess. I wrote back that I thought this was a touching act, and that I was very proud to have her in my class. She never acknowledged my response, just continued on with business as usual.

Stormy Weather

Hmmm, yesterday it was 65 degrees. Then it started to rain, and rain, and rain. Then the rain changed to snow. Now it's -21 windchill. It took almost three hours to get home because all of the roads to my home are closed due to flooding. I finally made it home and called in sick for the teacher's in-service tomorrow (darn). So many people are quoting the Book of Revealations because of all the weird weather. Whatever, if they keep me from spending 8 hours in meetings, I'll fix a lovely brunch for the horsemen!

Had a great day at school in spite of th fact that T didn't come again. He's pretty much given up, and honestly, I can't blame him. I wouldn't want to spend my last few days of freedom at school, either. If he's not there Tues, I'll call his house and see what's up. I have a workshop to go to on Wed... should be informative, but my awful dept. head is going, too BLAH.

Mom called; the dr. thinks grandma is in the final stages and will pass on very soon. I hope so- she is so miserable; she's been dead for several years, but her body hasn't realized it. I have prayed for her to be allowed to cross over peacefully and quickly. Grandpa is waiting. When she could still talk, she would say that he was just there, and was so convinced that I believe he was. Sometimes she would know things that no one had discussed in her presence, and she'd say Grandpa told her. I wish he'd help her let go.

Ok, I'm really tired; I'll post more tomorrow or Sat. Have a great day!

Updates and Thanks

Today I checked my email and found the nicest message from Robyn. I was starting to answer, when I realized it would make more sense to post here, since others may wonder how things were going for my guys. Here is part of her original message, and my response:

"Cards need to be send to Darin and Andrew from the kids. Maybe you could get them to do care packages for each of the boys. The same for T if it comes to that. Let those things be a group good deed to help the journals along.Talk about the choices they made and why it will be hard for them. Talk about the lasting effects these have. Help these boys who have fallen down a little teach the other kids a lesson and maybe save them from the same choices. Ask Andrew and Darin if they would like to write a letter to the class what about what happened and what its like where they are so they can see that you still value them. It also gives them a chance to do something helpful in their own eyes. You know the "Your mistake might save another" sort of thing.They need to know as you do that wisdom comes from experience Tsarina and even if these were very bad choices they have gained some of that valuable wisdom they will need in the future. They need to see that you recognise that. I get the feeling that for these kids, in their eyes, you are their ONLY supporter. I know it is hard but please do not give up on tem find a way to let them know they still matter".

Robyn, Thanks so much for your kind words and positive suggestions. We will be sending cards to Andrew. I explained his situation to the kids (obviously omitting the abuse), and they began to express great feelings of guilt for their behavior. They have learned a powerful lesson about the effects words can have. We discussed that if harsh words could have such a negative effect, maybe apologies from those who feel compelled to write them would have an equally uplifting effect- I hope so.

Darin is not allowed to receive mail from anyone outside his immediate family. I spoke with his grandma, who said she would ask if I could write to him. He told her to apologize to me for representing me badly (my homeroom is often reminded that we all represent each other, so we need to be conscious of our behavior)--this is the kid who robbed a guy at gunpoint? I still don't get it.

T. will definitely be going to juvenile detention in almost two weeks. He will be gone for four months. The kids will have no interest in writing to him, nor will he want to hear from most of them. He is enough older than them that there is only one kid he talks with. He is rather like a piece of furniture to the other kids, and he prefers it that way most of the time. Sometimes I can get him to participate, but most often, he'd rather sit and work alone.

I don't remember if I've ever explained the full extent of my concern for T... when I was in middle school, one of my friends, Stevie, was arrested for stealing bikes. His drunken, ignorant crackwhore mom told the authorities to take him away because she was sick of him. They sent him to St.Charles (if you've ever seen the Sean Penn movie, "Bad Boys", it was filmed there). He spent 7th-8th grades there. When he got out, he was HUGE- like all he had done was lift weights all day. He also had a new LK tattoo (Latin Kings), and a bad attitude- except with me. We were pretty good friends for the whole summer before he told me that he liked me. Strange, because all of the girls were hot for him, but I could not think of him like that. We continued with our friendship- he even bought me this really lovely crystal shotglass I had admired once...doesn't sound like much, but it was such a spontaneous gesture of affection that it ranks as one of my favorite gifts ever. Eventually, he dropped out of school, and moved in with his drunken abusive dad. We lost touch- I was getting tired of his growing addiction on drugs and alcohol. A couple of years later, I picked up a newspaper to see a picture of a car that had slammed into a culvert. Stevie had stolen it and been driving at ridiculous speeds when he crashed. Something in T has touched a nerve- he reminds me of Stevie sometimes- the gentle humor that shows through at the most unlikely moments, the need to act tough, but when I hug him, he's like a little kid that isn't quite ready to let go; even his handwriting looks very much the same. I feel like I've failed not only T, but I've failed Stevie again.

I do realize that we each have our own path to walk down, and that the lessons we must learn are often painful. I am hopeful that on their journeys, these kids feel that my presence was of some comfort. I hope that they will each grow to realize that if I could care this much for them, they must have some intrinsic value. I hope that these lessons they are learning now will help them to guide others later in their lives.

I'm going to end this with a positive story about James. We were talking in class about computer skills they will need for high school and college. James asked if you had to be smart to go to college. I told him, no, that was not as important as hard work and determination. He stayed after class to ask me if I thought he would be able to go to college. He said that he had never thought about it before this year, but he was starting to consider it... he said he now thinks that he can do anything if he tries hard enough. I couldn't do anything but hug him-- I needed to hear that. *Focus on the positive, Tsarina, focus on the positive* Hugs to all!

Choices

We all have choices to make in life. Some we make well, others we call "learning experiences". I always tell the kids that we all make bad choices, but the important thing is that we learn from them and don't repeat them. God knows I have made some really terrible choices in my life- things that I still cringe to think about. On Friday, I found out about 3 extremely bad choices my kids have made that have broken my heart. While I understand WHY they made these choices, I want more for them.

Marcus is going to be a father. While this happens all the time, I didn't expect it from him. (not that I didn't think he was having sex, but they make fun of people who don't use condoms, so I assumed he was using one). Marcus had a future- had. His mom is strong and supportive, and I have no doubt she will make him step up to the plate and take responsibility. He will probably enter high school as a half-day student, working at McDonald's the other half. He will probably find easier ways to make money, and drop out of school. Marcus is a very bright, and extremely good looking kid. We teachers had talked among ourselves that he could easily pay for college with modelling jobs. While I will continue to hope that he is able to recover from this, I am saddened by the direction this one decision will take him.

Andrew will not be coming back to school. He is in the psych ward after a major suicide attempt. Andrew was sexually abused by a man at their church four years ago. The other kids tend to make fun of him because he is usually dressed in Goodwill rejects, and he needs to brush his teeth. We had talked to our students about making fun of him, and for the most part, they have stopped, but there are 700 other kids in the school who don't care what we think. When he gets out of the hospital, he will go to another school. I hate the man who did this to him. I hate the justice system that let him go after serving six months. Andrew is an annoying kid- he's just too needy- needy for my time, attention, love, everything a kid can need. But, annoying or not- he's one of mine, and I love him. He sent me a letter from the hospital telling me that I was the only teacher who has ever been really nice to him, and he's sorry for disrupting my class so much- of course I cried. I hope he does not make this choice again.

Darin was in my homeroom. He's the stereotypical "likeable, chubby kid". He has always been a model student in my room. He's Hell on wheels for everyone else. He's been suspended off and on for much of the last nine weeks. I never understand when other teachers tell me about his behavior, because he's always been polite and respectful to me. His younger brother has been in a lot of legal trouble for burglarizing houses. Darin and I have talked about learning from his brother's mistakes, and I honestly had no fear that he would choose to follow that path. Yesterday I got a drop notice for Darin. I went to the office to inquire why and was told that he is in jail. Somehow, he and his brother got ahold of a gun, and in the process of robbing a guy, the guy resisted, and Darin hit him in the head with the butt of the gun. The guy will be ok, but they want to try him as an adult. It's a violent crime, and he's 15- almost 16. I simply cannot reconcile the smiling, helpful child in my class, who apologized for not knowing an answer when the Ass principal was in the room evaluating me, with an angry young man who would hit someone in the head to get twenty bucks.

Let's top all of this off with the fact that the state is trying to send T to jail for six months for the car stereo. Why don't they mandate counseling for these kids before they just lock them up? The first time they get in trouble. Even the second, if it's not violent-- MANDATORY COUNSELING.

I don't know what the answers are here, all I know is that I'm disappointed in each of them. Like I said, I understand their choices, but I expect more from them. There is a saying in Middle School Education that we do not see the fruits of our labor- we are simply throwing the seeds down, and hopefully they will take root and grow one day. This, like JamDaddy's wine analogy are about the only things that are helping me get moving this morning- thanks JD.

I will get up tomorrow and put on a smile and welcome my remaining kids to the start of a new week. I will hug them and pat them on the back. I will continue to hold them to a high standard. I will continue to expect the best from them. I know that sometimes I will be disappointed in them, and that they will feel bad when they disappoint me. I know that sometimes I will be so proud of them I want to burst, and they will see that pride written on my face. I know I will get up next year and begin this whole process over again. I know that there are people like my dad in the world who don't understand why teachers complain about being underpaid- "All you have to do is tell them to read a book, and you get summers off". I know there are people like you who do understand that we don't make enough (I'm legally slightly above poverty level). I know that even if I didn't receive a paycheck, I'd still go to work and do my job- because, at the end of the day, no matter how hurt I am, I know--- I am making a difference to someone. Thanks for listening- have a great week!

No Title

Every fall, students walk into my room. Some try to act tough, like they don't want to be there, and they hate me for being there. Some try to make me feel good by staring attentively and smiling at me. Some try to hide- from me, from their peers, and often from themselves. These students all listen to my talk about rules and consequences. They hear a lot about respect and attitude. They don't really care- I know this, but I do it any way.

Within the first week, some of their personalities start to emerge, and I start to get a sense of these students as individuals. They start to grow on me. I begin to remember most of their names on sight. They begin to smile more often. The tough kids are a little less so in the room- they even laugh once in a while.

Within the first month, they stop being students and start being MY KIDS. I know their names- even the ones who hide in the back. They begin to open up to me, and I begin to take on their feelings as my own. Often it is exhausting. But, I continue because I can see that for most of them, I am getting through, and they feel more comfortable. There are still some whom I'm not reaching, and I work harder to try to reach them.

By the end of the first grading period, I can look around the room without a list and tell you who is absent. I can tell if one of them is having a good or bad day by their body language. They have accepted the fact that they are going to listen to James Brown, Tchaikovsky, or obscure Latin jazz music- depending on my mood. They are no longer startled when I pat them on the back as I pass by. I think that most of them realize how much I care, and they like me for it.

At the end of the first semester, I can't imagine that I will ever have a group of kids as great as this one. I know their favorite music and movies- their best friends and boy/girlfriends. I look at sonogram pictures with 14 year-olds who don't understand why the life growing inside them doesn't look like a baby yet. I cheer when braces come off. Sometimes they drive me crazy, but always I love them.

All of this is overwhelming. Sometimes it can be so painful. Sometimes they make choices that will devastate their lives, and others, and all I can do is watch. Sometimes they recover from these choices, but in my experience, this is slow to occur. I know it is important to focus on the good that I do, and not dwell on the failures, but these are kids- they are not statistics. They are all born with unlimited potential, but by the time they reach me, most of them do not realize this. The world has told them differently, and most do not have the confidence to argue. Our society has told them that they will never be successful, and they believed it.

I have 110 students. They are all special to me. They all need something from me- a kind word, a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a smiley-face sticker (yes, even with urban 8th graders, these are very popular). In their defense, they do give a lot back to me- they give me a kind word and a hug when I'm having a bad day. They make get well cards when I'm sick, and thank me when I do something extra for them. I still function on an emotional deficit most of the time. When one of them is really in trouble, it taxes my reserves even more. Tonight I feel like I'm hollowed out- I don't know that I can give anything else to anyone. I want to be selfish and wallow in my own sadness. I want to cry and drink cocoa and listen to sad music. Why do they do these things? They are only children- not old enough to drive or vote, yet they can make choices that will alter their lives forever. I just can't talk about this any more- good night.

Ice Sucks & the Wind Blows

Freaking ICE! I made it to work and back with few frightening moments, thank goodness. It's now raining, the temp is around 20 degrees, which means I now have sheets and sheets of ice that I will be battling before sunrise tomorrow. The worst part is that my power will go out. It's been blinking all night, and they still haven't repaired all of the wires from the storm at Thanksgiving. I cranked the heat to around 90, so if the power is out for a long time, I have some extra heat.

T is really depressed, and I'm feeling like I'm hitting a brick wall there. I can show him that I want to help til the cows come home, but if he won't try to help himself, things won't get better. I once heard a saying that I've tried to live by: "Everyone deserves a chance, and another, and another- as many as the heart can endure". As I'm watching the direction he's moving, I feel my heart telling me to stop giving, because if something were to happen, it would be too painful. I know there are so many people with problems in the world, and we're all overwhelmed with the sadness we see, but PLEASE pray for him- he's honestly sliding out of control at mach speed. He has such a good heart and so much potential- I don't want to believe that he can't overcome the challenges that have been set in front of him.

I had a strange feeling today. I've always been a little attracted to my principle- I'm very in awe of his ideas and intelligence, and he's pretty cute, too. From time to time, I've felt like his inner self was reaching out to me (once when he shook my hand and was looking in my eyes, I felt like he could see my internal organs, it like getting a lifesign scan on Star Trek). There have been other instances, too- maybe five or six this year. Today, our dept. was meeting with him after school, and he commented to me about my bumper sticker (it says "don't assume I share your prejudices"). He said that as soon as he saw it, he knew it was my car, because that was a perfect representation of who I am. When he looked at me, I realized that he really gets me. (mind out of the gutter, Inanna). I don't feel that way with many people- I mean, they know HOW I am, but they don't seem to see WHO I am. Anyway, I know nothing personal will ever come of it, but it's so rare that I really feel like I've connected with someone else, that I had to mention it.

Ok, I have no idea how long the power will stay on, so I'm going to publish this post and wind the alarm clock. Have a wonderful day, and listen to Robyn (and another blogger that I can't remember) who tell us to comment for someone to have a nice day, and PASS IT ON! I love you all- goodnight.

Nose to the Grindstone

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post- sorry I didn't respond individually, but I was busy crying my eyes out because Seven reminded me that I don't have a social life! (I'm jerking your chain here, Seven, please don't fret).

Just a quick "hi", then off to bed-there's a wicked ice storm coming in overnight, so I'll have to leave extra early if I'm going to get to work. Although... I am thinking that if it's too bad, I'm not leaving. It's 15 miles from my house to a major road, and much of it has five to six foot ditches on either side. I hate leaving my class with a sub, especially right after break like this, but I'd hate paying for car repairs even more.

I swear most of my kids grew over break- I'm now one of the shortest people in all of my classes, as they felt compelled to point out! Overall, though, it was kind of a disappointing day. The kids were really lethargic- most admitted they had slept til noon every day (I pointed out that I did too, but was still excited to see them). They found it funny that I slept late! I forget how old and uncool you think all of your teachers are when you're 14.

T had a rough break- I may post about it when I have more energy...or I may let it go. James is upset with me that I couldn't stay to watch his basketball game tonight. I tried to explain about the storm, but he pouted through class. For crying out loud, his MOM hasn't gone to even one game, and he's pissed because I'm missing one! Ok, it bothers me that he's disappointed, but I've got to learn to let them know that I can't do it all, even when I want to. Scholastic bowl starts this week- I'm one of the coaches, so that's going to take a lot of time, too. If any of you get that cloning technique down, please let me know, because I could use it!

Ok, I'm going to bed- I've got my new flannel jammies on, and I just finished my cocoa- I'm feeling very content and sleepy! Have a beautiful day!

Tsarina Returns Home

I'm back! In case any of you received the Murder Mystery game and haven't played yet, I'm not going to tell you who did it. I will tell you that it was soooooo much fun! We really got into our characters and had a great time! I actually got back yesterday, but was feeling a little...ahem..."under the weather".


In keeping with stupid New Year's traditions, I am posting my list of resolutions.

1. I will speak up when co-workers say things that piss me off. Normally, I just walk away silently, or say, "I'm not going to listen to this". I have decieded that tenured or not, when someone is saying something negative, either about the students or the administration, I'm going to express my point of view.

2. I will try to develop a life of my own outside of work before summer. Normally, I put everything I have into my work, then when summer comes, I wonder why none of my friends are around any more. I'm going to make a point to do something with my friends at least once a month (doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's an improvement).

3. I'm going to try to be less harsh in my judgements of other adults. I have realized that I am very forgiving of my students (of course they are kids), but much less so of older individuals. I am going to start challenging myself to practice what I preach.

4. Every day (except Sundays, when I rarely see anyone else), I'm going to do one good deed. This doesn't have to be major- maybe just letting someone merge into traffic in front of me. By doing so, I'm going to help flood the world with more positive energy-- I challenge all of you to do the same--BLOGGERS OF THE WORLD UNITE IN BRINGING POSITIVE KARMA TO THE WORLD!!!!

5. I'm going to hug my students more often. I'm always worried when one of them (especially the boys) wants a hug. There are so many creepy-teacher stories any more that I've been worried about what people think. I am going to reduce worrying and increase hugging- if that bothers anyone-----FUGGEM

Ok, I think that's enough for anyone! I'm going back to work tomorrow-- I miss my kids sooooo much, and hope they're all doing well.

I feel guilty that I haven't mentioned the tragedy in Asia yet. I'm not sure what I can say, except that I hope we're all praying for the victims, their families, the countries involved, and for our own government to continue helping those in need. Major life-changing events like this are an opportunity for us to realize that we are all connected to one another, and to the Earth: no matter how smart we think we are, Mother Earth will always prove more powerful.