Backsliding
I love my kids. I don't think that anyone who knows me would doubt that. So why, then do I feel like I'm failing them right and left? I am constantly running, just trying to keep up, and I'm losing ground fast.
James is off the basketball team. He had his first absence this year (unexcused). Something's been troubling him since Christmas break, but he won't talk. I am absolutely terrified that he's sinking into old patterns. Most of our kids have very poor coping skills when they are frustrated or when they fail. He had one bad game, and stopped coming to practices. I completely understand Bill's cutting him. I wanted to talk with him today, and try to discuss how to recover from mistakes, learn from them and grow stronger as a person. I wanted to help him work out some goals and plan ways to achieve them. I wanted to...but he wasn't there. I will be gone tomorrow. I left a letter for him, asking him to help the sub. and telling him that I'm still proud of him, even though he made a mistake. I do not want to attend this conference tomorrow. I want to know that he is ok.
T was at school, but obviously stoned. I understand- if I were going to jail, I wouldn't worry about failing my drug tests...what more can they do to him? I mean, you and I know they can add more time on his sentence, but my kids have no real sense of time. Jail is jail, you go when they tell you, you leave when they tell you...they don't see that they have any control over anything. That's part of why violence is such a powerful attraction for many of them- the idea of control over others is enticing. I will miss him when he's gone- I missed him today, and just let him sit in his own little fog; I couldn't bear to watch him.
C exploded on me in homeroom. I worked to get him moved into my homeroom because he had so many problems in his original one. He is probably bipolar, judging from the mood swings and the rapid changes between them. He's exhibited this behavior to everyone else, but I'd never experienced it, and would prefer not to do so again. I referred him to the counselor, rather than send him to the Ass principal, who would just suspend him, and not address whatever underlying problem was bothering him. It must have worked, because he was fine in last hour. I know I shouldn't take it personally; they're 14 for crying out loud, but sometimes I do.
Darin is back, temporarily. Apparently some group is looking into his case, and at least got him released until his trial. Still no word as to whether he is an adult or a juvenile. He hugged me when he came in, same smile, same "I missed you"...same Darin. So what was different at that one moment in time when he decided to alter the course of his life? Where was this sweet, loving child then? Everyone else was complaining about his behavior at the end of the day- again, I had no problems.
Just so you don't get the wrong idea- not all of my students love me. Honestly, the "honor students" drive me nuts. Their constant sucking up and attempts to prove themselves superior leave a bad taste in my mouth. Given the choice, I would take classes full of "challenging" students over them any day, and I'm sure many of them would prefer not to be in my class. I don't know what it is that makes the "challenging" kids like me, or me them. I can understand them better. Their motivations are pretty clear- there's no bullshit with them; either they like you or they don't, and they don't try to hide it behind insincere flattery. Oftentimes, they are more appreciative of everything, and they are genuinely touched when you go out of your way for them. They are also much more unpredictable. Their reactions can be scary in their intensity- both happy and angry. I think that many of them have never been taught how to show their emotions in an appropriate manner, so they are unaware of how they come across.
I don't know what I'm looking for with this post- release, mostly. Release from the gnawing fear for them that increases with every day. Release from the incredible guilt I feel when I fail to help one of them succeed. Release from the nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm not smart enough or good enough to really make a difference to any of them. I don't really know the answers, but I guess I'll just keep pushing through this tunnel- there's got to be a light somewhere. Thanks for listening.
James is off the basketball team. He had his first absence this year (unexcused). Something's been troubling him since Christmas break, but he won't talk. I am absolutely terrified that he's sinking into old patterns. Most of our kids have very poor coping skills when they are frustrated or when they fail. He had one bad game, and stopped coming to practices. I completely understand Bill's cutting him. I wanted to talk with him today, and try to discuss how to recover from mistakes, learn from them and grow stronger as a person. I wanted to help him work out some goals and plan ways to achieve them. I wanted to...but he wasn't there. I will be gone tomorrow. I left a letter for him, asking him to help the sub. and telling him that I'm still proud of him, even though he made a mistake. I do not want to attend this conference tomorrow. I want to know that he is ok.
T was at school, but obviously stoned. I understand- if I were going to jail, I wouldn't worry about failing my drug tests...what more can they do to him? I mean, you and I know they can add more time on his sentence, but my kids have no real sense of time. Jail is jail, you go when they tell you, you leave when they tell you...they don't see that they have any control over anything. That's part of why violence is such a powerful attraction for many of them- the idea of control over others is enticing. I will miss him when he's gone- I missed him today, and just let him sit in his own little fog; I couldn't bear to watch him.
C exploded on me in homeroom. I worked to get him moved into my homeroom because he had so many problems in his original one. He is probably bipolar, judging from the mood swings and the rapid changes between them. He's exhibited this behavior to everyone else, but I'd never experienced it, and would prefer not to do so again. I referred him to the counselor, rather than send him to the Ass principal, who would just suspend him, and not address whatever underlying problem was bothering him. It must have worked, because he was fine in last hour. I know I shouldn't take it personally; they're 14 for crying out loud, but sometimes I do.
Darin is back, temporarily. Apparently some group is looking into his case, and at least got him released until his trial. Still no word as to whether he is an adult or a juvenile. He hugged me when he came in, same smile, same "I missed you"...same Darin. So what was different at that one moment in time when he decided to alter the course of his life? Where was this sweet, loving child then? Everyone else was complaining about his behavior at the end of the day- again, I had no problems.
Just so you don't get the wrong idea- not all of my students love me. Honestly, the "honor students" drive me nuts. Their constant sucking up and attempts to prove themselves superior leave a bad taste in my mouth. Given the choice, I would take classes full of "challenging" students over them any day, and I'm sure many of them would prefer not to be in my class. I don't know what it is that makes the "challenging" kids like me, or me them. I can understand them better. Their motivations are pretty clear- there's no bullshit with them; either they like you or they don't, and they don't try to hide it behind insincere flattery. Oftentimes, they are more appreciative of everything, and they are genuinely touched when you go out of your way for them. They are also much more unpredictable. Their reactions can be scary in their intensity- both happy and angry. I think that many of them have never been taught how to show their emotions in an appropriate manner, so they are unaware of how they come across.
I don't know what I'm looking for with this post- release, mostly. Release from the gnawing fear for them that increases with every day. Release from the incredible guilt I feel when I fail to help one of them succeed. Release from the nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm not smart enough or good enough to really make a difference to any of them. I don't really know the answers, but I guess I'll just keep pushing through this tunnel- there's got to be a light somewhere. Thanks for listening.
posted by Tsarina @ 6:37:00 PM
3 Comments:
At 11:24 PM,
JamDaddy said…
Hi T! Sounds like this teaching gig is a REAL job, lol. I know the stress even though mine comes in smaller doses with the kids and larger doses with the adults. I know you probably know everything I spout off at you, but I always like to spread the joy of my knowledge (did I ever tell you I used to teach adults?).
From a parents point of view I tend to share these types of things with my kids teachers who are “slow” to catch on or have been around so long they have fallen in to a rut. Not you, but maybe you can glean something from this.
Behavior of these kids is driven by communication; in a nut shell it is how they all learn good and bad. It is also how they decide what part of themselves they show in any given situation or with any given adult. The other teachers in your area could learn a lot from you because they have gotten behavior modification reversed. You have it right and are feeling the pain of being the only one who is doing it right for these kids. Review this with the other teachers so they can get with the program.
Behavior that is rewarded, affirmed, reinforced and all that tends to be repeated.
Behavior that is not acknowledged, ignored, or goes unnoticed tends to disappear.
Your kid’s parents and other teachers are expecting good behavior and good decisions all the time, therefore they gloss over it. No reinforcers, hence the desired behavior becomes extinct (this is bad by the way). The bad behavior which they really want to change they are making a big deal about, acknowledging, affirming, and negatively rewarding, hence the bad behavior is repeated and grows (this is also bad). Of course a bad or dangerous behavior or decision can not be ignored, but a correct reaction like the Counselor instead of the Ass (tossed salad) Principal is much more in line with what is needed.
Children must know what is expected of them, it must be clear and easy to understand. They must have and understand situational and social expectations. This will naturally lead to discussing punishment with the kids. Punishment might stop undesired behavior or it may just teach avoidance behavior. It is however much less effective than positive reinforcement in attaining behavioral change. Positive reinforcement can be a treat, privilege, or a hug, but the important part is to reinforce the desired behavior.
When kids make mistakes show them how to correct them. They will encounter failure, quitting a team, missing a game, yelling at a teacher or fighting. They have to be taught how to respond, the bad behavior should not be reinforced. Practicing the correct response make them better, practicing errors causes them to become worse. When the whole is insurmountable, break it down into small chunks, and take them on one piece at a time. In the classroom have an agenda so the kids know what is expected, be consistent, have routines, attend to learning and emotional issues as they present themselves.
With my kids I play word games to reinforce what is important in life. There are many words that convey those standards which we feel are important. I keep this list under constant modification and always work my kids with “Daddy’s rules”. We started off easy, when they were small Rule number 1 was “Don’t Poop in your pants”. Then we talked about respecting Daddy’s nose and gentle gag reflex. Now we have bigger and better rules like Rule number 5, “Always have Passion in your life”. Then we talk about passionately doing their chores. OK, the kids think I am nuts, but it gets the words out to them, they know they are important, and they know what my expectations are. Here are some of my words.
Interdependence, Compassion, Trust, Patience, Determination, Passion, Ambition, Honesty, Persistence, Conscience, Generosity, Friendship, Judgment, Humility.
Now, find any good advice? Think any of this stuff works? Well you should! Duh, I drug it out of all the things you do and have done for and with your kids. OK, you are having some setbacks, hugs for that. Remember, you are doing the right thing, you have done the right thing, and you will continue to do the right thing. Get the other adults in your school and a parent or two to bend just a bit for your kids.
You can’t save them all, but you can leave love impressed on all their hearts.
At 4:45 PM,
Derek said…
well, cant top that comment..
but dont get down. You tried your best and that's all you can do is give it all your effort.
At 5:06 PM,
Tsarina said…
JD- Thank you for the suggestions; they are all very good. I did laugh when you said I should get more of the teachers to bend a little HA HA HA (notice the joyless tone of that). I'll never understand why someone wants to go into teaching if they are inflexible, but there are many of them. When people tell me that I can't save them all, my response is..."But, how will I know that for sure unless I try?" If I go into something with the attitude that I might fail, then I've already started from a disadvantage. I have a sign in my class window that says, "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION". Thanks, your concern is touching.
Derek- Thanks for the encouragement- you must have been posting the comment at the same moment I was typing the next post!
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