F*&^ing Family
I talked to my mom last night, which is usually a mistake if I'm already a little depressed. Sometimes I look at my parents and wonder what great genetic fuck-up created me? Sure, I look like Dad, but the person that I am could not be more alien to the people that they are.
My parents HATE each other. They've been married over 40 years, because neither wants to give up half the stuff (it's ok to say "WHAT STUFF" here, I do that a lot). They say some of the meanest, nastiest things about each other, often right in front of each other. Even though I know my dad is a horrible human being, I don't really want my mom telling me about all of the terrible stuff he does...I've told her this. She always takes on that childish, self-pitying tone and says, "well, I'm sorry; I guess I can't do anything right". Emotionally, my mother is about twelve years old- everything that happens is directly aimed at her. She is the central fixture in the universe, and if she's happy, then everyone else should be too. I may have mentioned that she spent most of my childhood sitting and staring at a television. I'm assuming she was suffering from severe depression, but I will never know for sure, because only crazy people see psychiatrists. I have often wondered if her depression started when she was a young teen, and her emotional self never fully developed.
My mom goes to see my grandma in the nursing home regularly. This is a kind gesture, but she doesn't seem to do it out of love so much as out of some overwhelming sense of DUTY. She complains about going; she complains that her sisters don't go; she feels the need to tell me every depressing detail..."HERE, I'M UNHAPPY, LET ME SHARE THAT WITH YOU"! She is easily the most negative person I have ever encountered. Last night, she was sharing that she was going shopping tomorrow with her sisters. Not my cup of tea, but I said that sounded nice. She began to complain about where they would probably go to shop, to eat, etc... She complained about me leaving Xmas early (yes, they put Eddie up to guilting me into it). I finally unloaded... I told her that while she may enjoy these family get-togethers, I most certainly do not. Eddie is the only person who talks to me; in fact, I spent 1 1/2 of the 2 hours I was there sitting in the living room alone, reading a book. Probably the biggest slap in the face to me was dinner...they served a dish that I'm allergic to! Always have been, so it wasn't a big surprise. When I mentioned this ahead of time, I was told I could eat chips and veggies! Does this sound like people who give a shit if I'm there or not?
In my parents' world, anything different is bad. When I wanted to go to college, they tried to talk me out of it. My dad still makes fun of me if I don't know something--"all that money for college and you don't even know THAT?". They have no comprehension of accepting the differences among people. They feel that their way is the right way, and anyone who does things differently is wrong or bad. I said that I was going to go today and work in my classroom. I was told that I'm stupid for going to work when I don't have to. Again, I tried to explain that mine is a career that is very important to me, and I want things to go well. Again, I was belittled until I said, "obviously, we have different opinions, can we just drop it?" My mom started in with that tone, "I guess I'm just stupid because I don't understand it". To be honest, my mom is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I've never told her that. I try to be patient and explain things so she can understand them.
I think I've discussed the Evil Presence (aka my dad) to the point that you'd all recognize him if you saw his toothless, weathered face leering across the bar at you. Occasionally, he does something nice; he bought my mom a new toaster for Xmas (he went into WalMart, which is a big deal for him) because she wanted one. It was a really expensive toaster oven. She complained about it- he went outside to drink. This is the joy that I grew up with.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from this rant, except a little release. I'm sorry that it's not as positive as I'd like; right now, I'M not as positive as I'd like, either. I miss my kids; school is the only place I've ever really felt comfortable. One more week...
My parents HATE each other. They've been married over 40 years, because neither wants to give up half the stuff (it's ok to say "WHAT STUFF" here, I do that a lot). They say some of the meanest, nastiest things about each other, often right in front of each other. Even though I know my dad is a horrible human being, I don't really want my mom telling me about all of the terrible stuff he does...I've told her this. She always takes on that childish, self-pitying tone and says, "well, I'm sorry; I guess I can't do anything right". Emotionally, my mother is about twelve years old- everything that happens is directly aimed at her. She is the central fixture in the universe, and if she's happy, then everyone else should be too. I may have mentioned that she spent most of my childhood sitting and staring at a television. I'm assuming she was suffering from severe depression, but I will never know for sure, because only crazy people see psychiatrists. I have often wondered if her depression started when she was a young teen, and her emotional self never fully developed.
My mom goes to see my grandma in the nursing home regularly. This is a kind gesture, but she doesn't seem to do it out of love so much as out of some overwhelming sense of DUTY. She complains about going; she complains that her sisters don't go; she feels the need to tell me every depressing detail..."HERE, I'M UNHAPPY, LET ME SHARE THAT WITH YOU"! She is easily the most negative person I have ever encountered. Last night, she was sharing that she was going shopping tomorrow with her sisters. Not my cup of tea, but I said that sounded nice. She began to complain about where they would probably go to shop, to eat, etc... She complained about me leaving Xmas early (yes, they put Eddie up to guilting me into it). I finally unloaded... I told her that while she may enjoy these family get-togethers, I most certainly do not. Eddie is the only person who talks to me; in fact, I spent 1 1/2 of the 2 hours I was there sitting in the living room alone, reading a book. Probably the biggest slap in the face to me was dinner...they served a dish that I'm allergic to! Always have been, so it wasn't a big surprise. When I mentioned this ahead of time, I was told I could eat chips and veggies! Does this sound like people who give a shit if I'm there or not?
In my parents' world, anything different is bad. When I wanted to go to college, they tried to talk me out of it. My dad still makes fun of me if I don't know something--"all that money for college and you don't even know THAT?". They have no comprehension of accepting the differences among people. They feel that their way is the right way, and anyone who does things differently is wrong or bad. I said that I was going to go today and work in my classroom. I was told that I'm stupid for going to work when I don't have to. Again, I tried to explain that mine is a career that is very important to me, and I want things to go well. Again, I was belittled until I said, "obviously, we have different opinions, can we just drop it?" My mom started in with that tone, "I guess I'm just stupid because I don't understand it". To be honest, my mom is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I've never told her that. I try to be patient and explain things so she can understand them.
I think I've discussed the Evil Presence (aka my dad) to the point that you'd all recognize him if you saw his toothless, weathered face leering across the bar at you. Occasionally, he does something nice; he bought my mom a new toaster for Xmas (he went into WalMart, which is a big deal for him) because she wanted one. It was a really expensive toaster oven. She complained about it- he went outside to drink. This is the joy that I grew up with.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from this rant, except a little release. I'm sorry that it's not as positive as I'd like; right now, I'M not as positive as I'd like, either. I miss my kids; school is the only place I've ever really felt comfortable. One more week...
posted by Tsarina @ 9:19:00 AM
2 Comments:
At 3:58 PM,
Derek said…
sometimes i wonder whether i was adopted or switched at birth. i have nothing in common with my family, at all. we like none of the same things. I dont know if its their fault or mine, but i dont think of us as a family anymore.. not in the sense of some loving caring unit/team. unfortunately it might take tradegy to bring us together.. though potential tradegy has occured and it didnt accomplish anything.
oh well. I suppose when you have nothing else you still have family. but what good is that when youre already so far from them.
At 1:23 PM,
Traci Dolan said…
How terrible!!! Next year, come to my world, we'll drink, and eat food that you're not allergic to and have a good time!!! Next year, my place. Comply!
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