Tsarina Needs Anxiety Meds

I don't have normal fears like other people. I'm not really afraid of being robbed on a dark street late at night, or of death, or of any of the other typical things that scare most folks. It's not that I believe that I'm immune to these things; I simply don't worry about them.

What does scare me, you ask? Snakes are my biggest "outside" fear (outside meaning outside of myself). I do realize that they are as scared of me as I am of them, at least in my mind. Because my basement is only partially finished, having an open crawlspace, I've started thinking about snakes getting into the basement. It takes every ounce of my strength to go down there. Unfortunately, that is where my washer and dryer are located, so my laundry has started to pile up.

I know exactly when this started: at the end of the school year, one of my kids was telling me that his family moved into a new house with...you guessed it...snakes in the basement. He said that they killed 6 in the first 2 hours they were there. As he was talking, I could feel my heart racing and my head begin to swim. I truly thought I may pass out, and had to make an excuse to leave.

That's the problem with anxiety (at least mine, I can't speak for everyone with these problems). It starts out as something simple- lots of people are afraid of snakes- then escalates until it consumes you. I have other, more realistic fears that affect me the same way, things like being lost, failing, etc. Being lost is a weird one, because it only freaks me out if it's dark...go figure.

I decided to share this with you because according to statistics, someone in your real life has this problem, but may be suffering in silence. I just thought I was crazy for many years- I had to shop at the same 2 grocery stores, because I didn't know where anything was in other ones; I didn't try new things unless I had read everything I could about them to reduce my risk of failure, and go to the zoo? Only if we avoided the reptile house completely. The worst part is that when a situation occurs, such as losing my car in a parking lot (HUGE trigger for me), I would feel like I was going to die...literally die. I know in my head that it's just a stupid parking lot, but I feel like I'm being swallowed alive.

There are medications that make things drastically better (Clonazepam was created by the gods). I've been off my meds for a year now, and look what's happened- racing downstairs to wash my undies. I was afraid to go to a doctor this entire past year, because I worry that I'll lose my job if my insurance finds out I need anxiety medication...I WORK WITH CHILDREN. *I should note here that my students have NEVER been a source of anxiety for me, although administration (especially the Ass) frequently is*. I know that legally, my employer doesn't have access to my medical records, but...

Now, I had decided that I would get back on my medication this summer, but unfortunately, I'm not getting paid for the work I've been doing until August. While insurance will pay for medication, I have a huge deductable for the dr. (Derek, appreciate Canada's healthcare system). Another benefit of the meds is that I'm able to focus better, which I desperately need. I have six million projects started and none finished...school starts in less than 3 weeks! Ok, I have to put my shoes on and go switch laundry- wish me luck.