The Long Kiss Goodnight

I've known that this post was coming for some time, but have been trying to put it off for as long as possible. I'm going to have to say goodbye for a while, and it breaks my heart. Many of you have become friends as dear to me as those in my "real" life. I feel like you know me better than many people whom I see daily, which is why I know you will understand my absence.

The cost of gas and the drive itself are killing me, and am going to have to find a place to stay in the city. The costs of keeping two places is going to take every penny. I can't sell the house until I get the back taxes paid, and short of a miracle, I don't know when that will be. If my parents names weren't on the loan, I'd just let the bank have it. Hopefully, I'll be able to get internet once I get settled.

I also feel that I need to be nearer James and his brothers. The uncle has turned out to be as bad as James had insinuated, and their lives are in chaos right now. I want to be nearby to help them when they need it. For whatever reason, I believe that they have been put in my path for a reason, and I need to do everything that I can to help them.

I'm going to miss you all, and will try to get back as soon as possible. Don't forget me.

Love to you all,
Tsarina

Nose to the Grindstone

It amazes me how much I can grow to care for my kids in a couple of weeks. It's a long weekend, and I'm hoping they'll all be safe. There are really only 3 of my 115 that give me crap; unfortunately, 2 of them are also in my homeroom. There are about five that are so unbearably cute that I'm glad they will do what I ask, because it would be really hard to be mad at them!

I've also been working with James' little brother, John. He came in after school for tutoring until he was suspended this week. The suspension pisses me off because I don't believe he did what he's accused of. The fact is there were 3 teachers right there who did not hear him swear at the lunch lady, but she says he did, and the office has to accept that. I asked his teachers for his work- my stupid fucking dept. head is his science teacher. She refused, said she'd "deal with him" when he got back. I went to the new 7th grade dean (who I'm beginning to adore)- she went to DH and told her to get his work together and give it to me! DH was not happy.

I spent 2 hours after school Friday on the back porch with him, working on his homework. If you were 14, wouldn't you do anything to get a teacher to leave? When I told him we'd finish his social studies, then I'd leave and come back Tues to finish, he slowed down. Not just a little, but enough that it was painfully obvious. These kids need so much attention. There were no less than 12 kids running in and out the whole time, all of them fascinated that I was there to help him. I met the uncle who is staying with them, along with an aunt. They invited me to their family Labor Day party on Mon... I felt kind of bad that I had to say no because I live so far away. Still haven't seen James. I never ask about him, because I have the strong feeling that John feels overshadowed by him, and I want him to know that I'm doing this because I care about him.

I'm trying to help the kids organize something for the Hurricane Katrina victims. About 70% of my kids have family in Mississippi- many of them haven't heard from the family since the tragedy, so this hits home. It's hard to do something like this, as my district has decided that they need to tell me what order to teach everything...in fact, they're telling me that on a certain date, I should be studying a certain topic. They are tying my hands in terms of being an effective middle school teacher. I need to be flexible- imagine how much more the kids would get out of studying weather right now than they will in a few months. The districts' response? "This are your instructions"... I was very tempted to break out the red pen, correct that sentence and return it. No wonder our kids are struggling academically.

Still can't find an apartment in the city that is in my price range and will allow the dog. I looked at one in the heart of the 'hood. NO PETS. So, I had to walk past an illegal dice game on the front stoop, but my dog could be a problem? With gas now well over $3 a gallon, I don't know what I'm going to do- I'm spending almost half of my daily pay on gas. Why aren't more people insisting that we begin really working on expanding our alternative energy use?

I really should go prepare for the coming week, but I think I may go back to bed for a nap... Have a great week!