The Chat

So, I'm sitting in the living room of Bratty's house, and let me tell you, it was something out of a dark comedy. There were religious paintings and statues everywhere; but not the smiling, friendly Jesus from my Grandma's church. Oh, no, these were graphic, horrific paintings of Christ nailed on the cross, blood gushing, face contorted in pain. The eyes of every painting seemed to follow you where ever you went- it was so creepy, I had nightmares that night! To start with, I wanted to talk to the mom, to find out exactly what my purpose was. It took a while to explain to her that I was  NOT going to tell Bratty that sex was a mortal sin and she'd burn in hell without confession and pennance. That seemed to be the only arguement the mom had for why her 14 year-old child shouldn't be having sex with a 17 year-old boy! I finally had to tell her that I am not of the Christian faith, and therefore, I don't know or understand all of the rules and regulations of it, and Catholicism in particular (ok, my ex was Catholic, and I know the highlights, but there are so many more logical arguements than religion).

Ok, exit mom and bring on Bratty. "Hi, Ms. Tsarina, blah blah blah". An entire ten minutes of mindless chatter. Finally I bring her to the reason I'm there. She tells me they're in love and they're going to get married as soon as they can. I ask about protection, she says if she gets pregnant, it's God's will! Ok, I'm forced to talk about God-- "Does God condone you having sex?" "Well, since we're in love, it's ok". I decide to let this go, as she's 14, and you have to choose your battles. I ask her if Dickwad has ever had sex with anyone before her. She reluctantly admits that he has not one, but TWO children by two different girls. *Heavy sigh* "But, he's not like that, Ms. Tsarina, he's really a good person". I ask if he supports these children (he dropped out of school last year), and am told no, he doesn't "make enough money". I ask how often she and Dickwad go out, which she tells me every Friday and Saturday. I ask why he isn't giving that money to help support his children, who should be the most important thing right now. She whines that then they couldn't do anything. I ask if they're so in love, why can't they just sit at her mom's house and watch TV together? She says mom watches her like a hawk (obviously, she isn't watching close enough).  This back and forth goes on for a while (I should tell you that as much as I try to avoid getting into arguements, I think on my feet really quickly, and can almost always confuse the hell out of the other person).  We discuss STDs (nothing will shut a 14 year-old up like a picture of female genitalia covered with herpes blisters, and I came prepared!) I have pictures and articles, each demonstrating dangers of unprotected sex.

Finally, I break out the big guns- I tutor a girl who is a 15 year-old single mom. Her family disowned her when she got pregnant, and the  18 year-old boyfriend who "loved" her was arrested when the father of another 15 year-old caught them together- he's now in prison. Mia lives exactly the kind of life you picture- she's with a foster family who keeps her for the money and don't give two shits about her or her child. Her son, Adam, is a beautiful 6 month-old with huge dark eyes and curly blond hair. I have arranged for Mia and Adam to come over when I call. So I make the call, and they arrive about ten minutes later. I let Mia tell Bratty what her life is like. She tells her how she loved her boyfriend and believed he loved her. She talks about the pain of his cheating, and her family turning their backs on her. She talks about being a pregnant freshman, missing out on everything fun. By the time she reaches the end, we are all in tears. It's really moving to listen to someone who has gone down the wrong path, and has been brave enough to turn around and try to find the right one. She tells Bratty about our tutoring sessions just to try to catch her up with her class so she can return to school next year, and how hard it is to take care of an infant while studying. (I notice that she has handed Adam to Bratty early in the conversation, and even when he becomes fussy and starts crying, she lets Bratty try to comfort him-- this is a smart girl).  To end the conversation, (and I had said this, too, but I think it has more power coming from Mia) Mia tells Bratty that if Dickwad loves her as much as he says, he wouldn't want her to go through what Mia is going through. She asks Bratty, "don't you think that the two girls who have kids with him were probably told the same shit he tells you now?" She reminds Bratty that she has the rest of her life to be married and have sex, but she only has a short time to be a kid and do stuff with her friends. Bratty assures us that she's going to cool things off with Dickwad for a while as she gratefully hands a screaming Adam back to Mia. Mia and Adam left then (they live two blocks away from Bratty), and Bratty went to her room.

I tried to sum up the conversation for her mom, but I also told her she needed to set limits on Bratty's behavior and enforce them. For starters, 14 year-old girls DO NOT NEED TO WEAR THONG UNDERWEAR! (sorry, but this bugs me, because they always have to make sure it is sticking over the top of their pants, and I don't want to see ANYONE'S undies). Secondly, I told her she should establish a curfew and have consequences if it's broken. Mom said, "but none of her friends have curfews". And yes, I had to say it, "if the rest of her friends jumped off the roof..." The woman then told me it was really hard to have to be a disciplinarian all the time since Bratty's dad left (why the fuck do you have a child if you didn't want to do the hard part, too?) I explained that the behavior Bratty was engaging in was risking her life as surely as if she were taking drugs, and that seemed to sink in.

I hope it all works out. I'll never understand why people choose to have kids without looking ahead to these situations. I don't have any because, quite frankly, I'm not sure I'd be patient enough to have a little person around 24/7, and I wouldn't want to fuck them up. But, it seems to me that the parents who have the fewest problems are the ones who have established boundaries since the kids were babies, who show unconditional love for their kids, and who treat their kids with the respect that they want shown to themselves.  I think I'm ready for my own talk show now- Mr. Demille, I'm ready for my close-up!