My Life Is Weirder Than Fiction

I was sharing one of my millions of "isn't my life a freakshow?" stories with a friend and decided I could make this into a regular feature of my blog. Perhaps my life will make your own seem better in comparison.

1. I was once stalked by a former friend who had sustained a serious head injury in a car accident. He would call and ask what I was doing in my kitchen at a certain time the night before, and creepy shit like that. My mom had always liked him and kept pressuring me to go out with him- she'd give him my phone number every time I changed it. Finally, I threatened him with a restraining order, and he moved on to stalk another former classmate. My mom's comment? "Well, at least he was interested in you". He's now in an institution for the criminally insane- I have no details as to how he landed there.

2. When we were at a relative's house once, my mom commented that she wondered how it could be so windy since there weren't many trees. I asked what she meant, and she said (in a tone like I was the moron), "well, if there are no trees, HOW is the wind being made, hmmmm?" Yes, folks, my mom believes trees MAKE wind- no amount of explanation about unequal heating of the earth and air movement gets through to her- trees MAKE wind! Didn't I hear that you get your intelligence from your mom? God, I need chocolate.

3. When I was 17, I once went on a date with my grandma's pastor's nephew (take a minute to follow that). We had stopped along a country road to talk (some minor kissing was also involved). After a little while, we saw headlights, and suddenly spotlights and flashing red lights were blinding me. There was a gun pointed at my head, and a cop was yelling at me to get out of the car and not make any sudden moves. I got out and was forced to lay face-first in the ditch with my hands out at my sides. After about ten minutes, a female officer made me stand and frisked me. Then I was questioned extensively as to what I knew about my date. I knew he was visiting his uncle, my grandma's pastor, and they had set us up. I guess the fact that I liked him should have clued me in that something was wrong. It seems that he was wanted in another state for six counts of armed robbery, two counts of battery (one against his elderly landlord), and several felony drug charges. They took him off to jail, towed his car, and left me alongside a deserted country road- alone.

4. Today I went to town. On the way there, I passed a car that was going about 35 mph. I simply passed him, I didn't honk or make an obscene gesture or anything. When I got to town, I went to the bank, which is along that road. As I came out, the guy was sitting next to my car. He began screaming that he hoped I had gotten where I was going is such a hurry. He was still screaming about everyone being in such a hurry nowadays (he was probably 75) when I drove away- I never said a word.
I will, from time to time, update with more of the horrors that ARE my life.