Flashback

I drove past a Discount Funeral Store today, I shit you not! It made me laugh until I thought I was going to pee myself. It reminded me of the time I was asked to leave my grandfather's funeral... *kick in fog machine and wavy images along with mysterious "flashback" music*

My grandfather passed away at the ripe old age of 93. It was sad in the way all funerals are sad, but, for crying out loud, he was 93, it wasn't unexpected. I have always giggled when I'm uncomfortable or nervous, so this too should not have surprised anyone. My nephew was around 7 or 8, and being given the choice of attending school on spelling test day or hanging out with me, he chose wisely.

As we sat in the third row of uncomfortable wood folding chairs, Eddie and I whispered a little until my mom turned around and gave us the Stinkeye of Death. We sat quietly for an eternity (ok, probably five minutes, but we're both hyper, and it SEEMED like forever). Finally, Eddie whispers to me, "why is he wearing glasses"? He nodded forward. I looked at the elderly gentleman in front of me and, thinking Eddie was setting up some joke, I said, "so he can see, duh", and rolled my eyes at him. He looked at me with the most disgusted face and said at a volume which could have been heard across a noisy gym, "BUT HE'S DEAD, YOU IDIOT", and smacked his forehead like he was dealing with the biggest mental deficient God ever created. All heads turned toward us, and I let out a BWAHAHAHA. At the look on my mother's face, we tried to control our laughter, honestly we did. However, neither one of us could stop giggling, and my mom's bug eyed glares did not help matters. We were still trying stop when the usher leaned down to me and whispered, "perhaps the two of you would like to get a breath of fresh air?" in a tone that let me know it was not really a question.

I took Eddie's hand and we started to get up. He was holding his breath, trying not to laugh, when it happened. You guessed it- he ripped one- loudly. And it stunk. I had tears running down my face from laughing so hard, the minister stood open-mouthed at the front of the room, my mom and sister were beet red (Cruella wouldn't even look toward us; I think she was hoping no one would know she was his mom), and my dad stared straight ahead as if nothing were going on. We spent the rest of the time in the parking lot, trying to compose ourselves (btw, the phrase "compose yourselves" was used by the usher and we found it extremely funny). Due to our incredible charm, Eddie and I were both forgiven very quickly by everyone but my immediate family, who refuse to even talk about it 12 years later! Oh, and Eddie and I still aren't allowed to sit next to each other at funerals.