Beginning of the Year Nerves

Ok, as I have mentioned before, I have worked in a larger school district, with the usual social problems. I really entered my contract with few qualms about my own personal safety in spite of the warnings of several friends and family. I assumed that they were giving in to the unenlightened view that a minority and lower income district was an unsafe place to be. I assumed that the school would have at least one full time police officer there at all times (even rural country schools usually have this). I assumed that the kids would have the basic respect for adults that I've always seen. I assumed a lot of things. Remember the statement "when you assume, you make an ass of u and me"? We have had five meetings thus far, and will begin training next week, and every time the administration speaks, I become a little more nervous about the coming school year.

I guess the first shock was to find out that LEGALLY, I have to try to stop any fight I witness. I am 5'41/2" tall, and not the most imposing figure. Some of my students will be 16 years old, over 6' tall and 200+ lbs (this is an 8th grade class). My weapon? The school is going to furnish me with a whistle; oh, I am indeed comforted by this. The worst part of this is that the science wing, where I will be, is isolated from the rest of the school, and no one in the rest of the school will hear me. So, how the fuck am I supposed to break up a fight between two students who physically could lift me by the ankle and dangle me? I have no idea- I own pepper spray, but am not allowed to bring it to school because of the very real possibility that someone will take it away and use it on me.

Yesterday, I was talking with two veteran teachers who were talking about how upsetting fights are. I asked how often they occur- maybe I'm naive, but I was thinking maybe one or two a year, right? FUCK NO--- DAILY! Yup, daily. Apparently, if the redistricting which was done over the summer works, it should cut down on this because they tried to separate along gang territory lines as much as possible... EXCUSE ME??? WTF have I gotten myself into? I know, I WANTED this job. This district is being closely watched by the educational community because they are working very hard to implement some experimental and creative philosophies designed to instill positive character traits. I have wanted to work for my new principal for several years- he has a great vision and is SO upbeat and positive that you can't help but feel better when you're around him. But, as the time draws nearer, I'm getting scared.

I have always been able to build really strong relationships with the more "troubled" students at my schools. For whatever reason, those are the kids who I enjoy most and who seem to feel most comfortable with me. But, these kids will have seen more horrors than I can imagine. They will know the fear of drive-by shootings, and drug-addicted parents. They will have seen more violence and hatred than I have encountered in my entire life. Will I be able to reach them? Will I be able to let them see the beauty that is out there? Will I be able to help them work toward reaching their potential? How do I convince a child that the Periodic Table is important when he hasn't eaten all weekend, or when his brother was taken to prison that morning, or when his friend was shot on the way to school? These are the thoughts that keep me up at night and wake me once I've fallen asleep- WHAT IF I FAIL? I mean, if you work for an insurance company, and make a mistake, someone loses money or is inconvenienced. If I fail, someone could lose his chance at a future. I've never felt that pressure as intensely as I do right now.