Diary of a Madwoman

Goddamn it, sometimes I hate my family. I know that my parents did the best job that they could do, given their own problems, but for Chrissakes, don't have kids if you're too fucked up to make an effort to help them. I should explain- I'm crazy. I mean, I'm not "dress up like a clown and stalk young kids" crazy, but I have panic attacks that you cannot believe. I've always had them, but was finally diagnosed two years ago. As a kid, my parents just thought I was being overly dramatic and would spank me, so I learned to hide in my room for safety until the feeling passed. Now, when I have them, it's damn near impossible for me to leave the fucking house. I'm low on my meds, so have been trying to conserve them until I start work and have insurance (it's expensive as hell to be nuts in the U.S.). Well, today, I should have taken them when I first woke up and went to the basement to do laundry. I have two windows broken out down there, and I began worrying about snakes getting in. Now let me tell you- I have a phobia of snakes that is embarassing and extreme; I faint. So, as I'm nervously trying to pretreat stains and load the washer, I start shaking and have to run upstairs and sit on my bed for twenty minutes. This would be enough for most people to simply take their medicine, but I only had four pills left, so I thought I could ride it out. This was a huge mistake; I needed to go into town and pay bills, but I COULD NOT leave the house. I can't explain the feeling- I know in my mind that everything is fine. However, I can't convince myself of that, and my heart begins to race, I can hear the blood pounding in my ears, and I just shake. I finally took a pill around four and was able to walk to the mailbox a little while later, although I was racing to get back to the house. Now I'm sitting here, listening to Van Morrison and kicking myself for not getting anything done today. It has been at least a year since I've had a day this bad, and now I'm worried about it interfereing with my work. I usually just take a pill with some coffee right before school starts, and I'm calm, alert and focused all day, but I can't afford to go to the doctor and get more medicine before I start working, which means that I'll start the year without any pills.

Goddamn them- I know it's not totally my parents' fault, it's a chemical problem in my brain. However, I find it strange that they had two children, and one is bipolar while the other is trapped in her own house for days at a time. The shrink I used to see kept assuring me that my problems are not unusual for someone who grew up in a household like ours (scary to think that there are other houses like that). I don't know why I'm sharing this with you when I haven't even told most of my friends, but there's something freeing about talking about it, and this is a safe venue. If you think less of me, wtf- I don't have to see you at parent/teacher conferences. Sometimes I feel like I am more of my "real" self here than in my real life where I have to try to be perfect all the time. I know most people wouldn't think anything if I failed at something, but I can't imagine it (except for relationships, but that's a whole other issue!) . My shrink always told me to have as much compassion for myself as I have for others, but somehow that seems so- weak. I do realize that the world won't end if I fail at something, but the idea of it sends me into a new panic. Anyway, thanks for listening; I'm going to bed.