Thursday July 1

I am sitting here smiling like an idiot. Not the "I finally got laid" smile, but almost that goofy. You see, today I signed my contract and got my textbooks! I love new books; even textbooks. It takes me back to the beginning of the school year when I was little. While everyone else was grumbling about summer ending, I was almost giddy with excitement. Finally, an end to being trapped in that house with my family. Assuming that everyone's family was like mine, I could never figure out why my friends didn't want summer to end. It wasn't until junior high that I realized how truly fucked up our lives were, and grew to secretly despise all of my friends for everything that they took for granted. I hated the way their parents told them they were smart and pretty: some of them even said "I love you" as we walked out the door! When I was eleven, one of my friends' mom hugged me. I just stood there, not knowing how I was supposed to respond. She was a wonderful woman who always had something nice to say to me, and I remained friends with her daughter much longer than I wanted because of her (the daughter did NOT inherit the 'nice' gene). But, for me, school was a refuge. It was a place where I didn't feel pressured to make everyone happy so things would stay under control. I was good at the game of school- I understood the rules there, they never changed. For me, that was the only consistency in my daily life: home may be chaotic, but school always remained the same. At school, teachers loved me- I had learned how to be pleasant, no matter how I was feeling. I was never disruptive and always got good grades (this was all before high school, but that is a story for another time). Despite the fact that my personal life is calmer now than when I was a child, I still always look forward to the beginning of the school year with enthusiasm and hope. I can't wait for August!

When I last spoke to Jake, he was happy. It was scary. While I'm not a doctor, and do not claim to be able to diagnose medical conditions, his behavior reminds me of my sister's at that age. (My sister is bipolar, and suffered through years of suicide attempts and anguish because my parents refused to admit that she needed help). It frightens me that he could have to face the misery she went through- she's in her 30's and has just finally gotten her meds right. Anyway, we played chess in the park for four hours (I can't believe he wanted to hang out with his teacher in public, but I'm glad). My chess game is improving, but as he keeps reminding me, I need to concentrate more- story of my life! So, Dark Angel, and anyone else who has worried about him, wish good things for him, for although he's ok right now, I worry about his future.