Everyone in my life sucks

My best friend called this morning. We talked for forty minutes- well, WE talked is stretching it... she talked to her baby for over twelve (I timed it- that's the kind of asshole thing I do). Now, it's not that I don't like babies, or don't like this one in particular, I think he's great. It's just that I wish people with kids would realize that NO ONE LIKES YOUR FUCKING KID AS MUCH AS YOU DO!!! No one else cares that he can now grunt something resembling "mama" (and to be honest, it doesn't really sound like that, but I wanted her to shut up so I said that it did). After the twelve minute babble-session, then twenty minutes of her talking ABOUT him- what he's been eating, how many teeth he has, some new smile he makes- she actually said to me, "I don't know how you could miss teaching junior high, by the end of the day I'd think you would be craving intelligent conversation". *Eyebrow raises* How exactly am I supposed to respond to that? I swear to god, if she sends me a picture of him on the crapper when he's potty-training, I'm going to send her one of me in the same position!

I had to go to my uncle's funeral this week. Boy, if you're feeling down about yourself, THAT is not the place to be. Let's start off with the twenty-seven times I was asked if I had found a job yet- always in that pitying, sucks-to-be-you tone of voice. After that are the questions about if I've found a new boyfriend yet (obviously not, or I wouldn't be facing you bastards alone), and aren't I worried about becoming a "spinster"? (well, I wasn't before, but thanks for giving me one more thing to feel insecure about!) Oh, and let's not forget the bitchy old aunt who actually said to me, "you aren't getting any younger, you know, you should stop being so difficult and settle down. After all, you don't have that many reproductive years left"! What exactly IS the correct response, because a mumbled "fuck you" as I was walking away really pissed off my mom. I mean, this woman can tell me that my ovaries are shrivelling as we speak, and I'm supposed to smile and thank her for her concern? Why don't I just hand her a broomstick and bend over, too???